The Infamous Spiral

It happens every semester, around this time of year. Every student feels it, weather they want to or not, it doesn't have an official name, but if you were to ask me, I could venture a suggestion for it-"The Spiral"Everything comes together around now, and it feels like it is designed merely to fuck you. It feels like your grades are bad, it feels like everybody hates you, your tired, and your hungry, you bored, you want out.And I am no exception.This is going to be the worst semester ever. I feel like I'm fucking up every step I take. I don't know what’s going to end first, this semester or my life. My smoking has gone up. I'm getting dangerously near the one pack a day limit. I would like to cut back, or even quit, but that ain't gonna happen. I'm way too stressed.It feels like my life is spiraling out of control. Like every step I take is wrong. Like I'm fucking up-or I'm going to fuck up, and I won't be able to fix it. I hate it here.I feel like I should be dead. Like my body has outlived my soul. Like I as a human being have outlived my purposefulness, and god won't even give me the fucking courtesy of death.Let me break it down for those of you who care (and I know the list is short)Spanish 102- This is the only class I know I am doing good in. This class doesn't bother me at all. I like the teacher, I understand the material, and I dig the concepts.English 252- This class is a little hard to gauge. I'm not 100% sure if I'm doing good or bad in the class, the teacher tells me not to worry. If I do X Y and Z I'm gonna be okay, and I'm inclined to believe him. He’s a funny mother fucker. My only problem with this class is that the concepts are a little to intangible for my tastes.News 180- Since the concept of a journalism college is stupid, this class is stupid. It’s my shittiest grade. I hate the teacher. He is an asshole when it comes to grading. He gives us very vague outlines of what he wants, when we do what we think he wants, he fucks us, when we go to him for clarification, and he just sends us the same shit back. I hate the man. Fortunately, I love the journalism, so I'm conflicted.Stat 218- This is what is killing me. This class, and this class alone, is making my life an unending spiral (there it is again) of frustration and hatred. If not for this, I would be a much happier human being. I hate statistics, its boring and confusing, the teacher sucks, he barely speaks English, and doesn't explain it very well, and its just all around a terrible experience, and I don't know if I can get out of this class. I never hated a race in my life. I like to think of myself as a fairly tolerant human, but this man is making me hate the Chinese a little more every class.So there you have it. The reasons I am so angry, tired and unhealthy as of late.And I can imagine that anybody in college reading this shit agrees with me a little, if not completely. This happens every semester; it is the main down side of college.What really bothers me is the way it distorts my perceptions of things. It makes me run across the street without checking, because I hope something will hit me, it makes me easily provoked into anger, it makes me think about death way more than I should. My first thought when the morning grogginess wears off-Oh great, another day to fuck up.My last thought when I coax myself into an uneasy sleep (because some butt munch has his subs on at 2 am)-Please god, let me die tonight.It pounds and grinds at me on every level of perception.It takes what would be a fun night of movie watching and makes it into a night of "how can I be happy? I'm doing shitty in school."And its almost universally recognized act that the main reason people kill themselves (in my age group) is school. If I do badly this semester, I honestly don't know if I have the support and will power to go on anymore. Don't think I'm just gonna lie down though-I'm gonna fight it. I'm gonna go to class, I'm gonna go to tutors. I'm gonna do everything I can to do as good as I can, its just that sometimes you can try your best, and things still turn out badly. Just ask the men who served in Vietnam. What I'm getting at is that I need support. If any of you people reading this give two tugs of a dead dog's cock about me and have any kind of spiritual side what so ever, pray for me. I hate feeling the way I do and I want to get over it. I would really just feel better if I had something besides smoking to get me through the day. If I have to drink to get through the day, it’s getting to the point where I'll try that. Maybe I just need a little time off, or maybe I really do need to die. Whatever it is, I'm sure I'll get over it. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I feel overwhelmed right now. Nothing can last forever though, and I know that this too shall pass, but it’s just tough. But then again, life is tough, I think that the best thing for me to do right now is to watch "The Lost Boys." That always cheers me up.I'm confused Scared and Angry but you know what, there is a chance, however slight, and that I'm gonna be okay.(Do me a favor, please send all comments to:legolasnumber@hotmail.com)