Tuesday, May 04, 2004
RETROSPECTIVE
*In the final waining moments of my freshman year, I feel it's important to look back on the past year and see how much I changed. As usual, comments are appreciated.email- legolasnumber@hotmail.comAIM- HHHthegame1999*Last night, I slept in my girlfriend's room. A year ago, if somebody would have told me this, I would have laughed in their face, and probably thrown something at them. I always thought I was too ugly, strange, stupid and pathetic. I’ve felt this way most of my life, and then I spent a year in college.What a year it’s been What do 3 suicide funerals, 75 movies, and 40 hours of studying have in common? They all happened to me over this past year. A year of evolution and expansion. Of my mind, my heart, and my personality.When I showed up at college, I was a wide-eyed, Arts and Science major. I had hopes of being a great philosopher/writer. Now, a year later, I understand how asinine these ideas are. Now, I'm doing something I like, working for a paper where I'm surrounded by cool people, and just mellowing out easy.Philosophy is bullshit, and fiction is wining.When I came here I was an Atheist. I had all these reasons, most of which I read on the internet, for why it was illogical to believe in a higher power.Now, after several seemingly big, but ultimately small, events, I now understand many more things.I made discoveries.A discovered the opposite sex, after 19 fucking years. I discovered the spiral. That dangerous time of year that drains your soul and crushes your spirit.I discovered what it means to be a friend. I discovered what it means to listen, and not just jabber on mindlessly. I discovered that no matter how smart you are, yes, there is someone smarter, but you can make things better for yourself by being around smart people.I discovered questions. These are a marvelous contraption, but nobody thinks about them.Just by saying a certain phrase with a certain inflection, you can discover information about the world around you. I grew a lot as a human being, I think we all did. I have come to appreciate and acknowledge the differences that make life worth living. I paid three hundred dollars for a pumpkin, I smoked a lot of cigarettes, I went to Oregon, and I drank out in the country and sang Garth Brooks songs until two in the morning.It was a pretty successful year.In some ways I won’t miss this place. It gets dull, it gets redundant. I hate waiting for three hours for them to open up the cafeteria. I hate walking to class in rain, snow and heat. I hate the ever tightening vice grip of stress and the annoying laughter of drunks on my floor at three in the morning.These things sucked a lot. I won’t miss any of them at all. I’m going to be looking forward to the freedom of summer breaking these chains around my ankles and arms. When I close the door to room 1111 for the last time, and bid my roommate good-bye, I’ll cry, at least on the inside. I had some damn good times that more than compensate for the bad.I made a giant ball of tape, and pretended it was my child, if that’s not funny, I don’t know what is. I will never forget the feeling of seeing my first by-line in the paper, I’ll miss walking into the newsroom, and seeing the editors doing some zany, off-the-wall stunt to break the tension. I’ll miss showing up to class early and reading the paper. I’ll miss kissing my girlfriend goodnight.College has been good for me. College has been bad for me. I’ve grown, I’ve died. I’ve fought, and, I think I’m going to survive.This year has been great, that’s all there is to it. When you can look back on the last year and say “I’ve struggled, but I kept cool,” then maybe you did it right.Over the course of this year, I’ve watched friendships formed, die, resurrect, and fade out,I’ve been in a few of these, I’ve witnessed many more. I’ve seen people mired in high school relationships grow suck of each other and drift away. I take it as a sign of growth. And a sign of growth is a sign of hope, maybe there’s a chance.It’s all coming full circle again.I won’t see my girlfriend for a while. Summer is coming quickly. Many people think that it’s an opportunity to reunite, and grow stronger with friends that were lost in the flurry of activity. Others think it’s an opportunity to move on and make new friends and be in new situations.But, regardless of how you see what this summer, it IS an opportunity. Take it or leave it.So as I sit here, staring at my computer, I can here the countdown clock ticking in my head. It’s telling me that to enjoy what I’ve got now. It is never going to be like this again. This is the last time I can sit around this much, and I’m going to enjoy this.When I was a kid, I used to go to Morrill hall a lot. I always loved to go and see the dinosaurs, and marvels at the place. It is a monument to my childhood. A time when I thought girls were yucky.The first thing I did when I came down to college was go into this building. I was scared and afraid girls would reject me. I didn’t think I was good enough. Despite all these negative feelings, I was amazed that it looked the exact same as it did when I went here as a child.Thursday is my last full day here. I’m going to go to Morrill hall, and I’m going to walk around and I’m going to take my time and enjoy myself. I’m going to observe and read all these things I’ve known for a long time.When I’m done, walking, learning, thinking and reflecting on the last 19 years, I’m going to floor six, and I’m going to see my girlfriend.Because it’s about fucking time. I earned it.
posted by Dan # 5:35 PM