FUCK JEFF (not Hall)

It's amazing how one asshole can ruin something for everyone.

Jeff Johnson was his name and pissing people off was his role in life.

He wasn't bad at first. He was an idiot, but hey, we need idiots so we can know who the smart people are. This guy was the eighties in a human being. His voice was the exact same as Meatloaf's. He had hair literally down to his ass crack and every day he wore Poison or White Snake era band shirt to work. He lived with his mother. He wore a biker bandanna but had never been on a bike.

He took out a massive loan to buy a pick-up truck. He parked it at the front of the garage so everyone could see. This "man" made seven dollars and fifty cents an hour and he bought a pick-up. No health insurance, no rent, no food bills, a truck. He slapped a Superman "S" on the back window in a futile attempt to be cool.

He was a tool.

My favorite moments were when he would come up to me at work and talk about Linda (the hot mom we worked with). Most of the time conversations wentlike this:
"Dude, Linda hugged me. I'm so gonna tap that."

I loved it because conversations with Linca went like this:
"He looked my address up and left me a rose. I had to have the owner tell him to stop. Dan you should hold me tonight." (I might be making that last part up but it's my blog so fuck you.)

Like I said, he was an idiot, but I let him go because he only made himself look like an idiot. He wasn't hurting anybody, for a while.

Enter Sue. When farmers are moving pigs they shout the phrase "Suey." I believe it is in her honor. Her face looked like is had been melted by a blowtorch. Her teeth were gnarled every possible angle. She had one straight tooth in front, a cruel taunt by god.

Every week she would bring a new homeless man to work and refer to him as her "boyfriend." A typical smoke break with her went something like this:

"So, Sue, how's life."
"Great. My boyfriend and I..."
"Hobo Herbie?"
"No, that was last week, this is Toothless Joe."
"Oh, sorry."
"Anyway, Joe and I hit the meth and we fucked for like two hours. Then my pussy started to bleed so he stuck it in my ass for another three."
Then I would be terrified.
"The condom broke in the first ten minutes but I didn't care."
Then I'd force the vomit back down. This took so much effort that I barely heard the last part:
"But what I can't figure out is why the state won't let me keep my three kids from my five marriages."

That was our "manager."

Back to Jeff. At the time of the incident that sent me into exhile from my kingdom, Jeff was having an affair with her. I don't know how far they went, how he could lower himself that much or if he ever felt dirty afterwords, but it was a well-known "secret" at the company that these two fooled around.

It was because of Sue that Jeff didn't get fired for the rose incident and it was because of Sue that he got a raise every three months while the rest of us got nothing. It was because of Sue that he got to play boss even though he was on the same level as the rest of us.

The last two characters in this little conspiracy: Tasha and "New Tasha" (aka Erin.) Two sweethearts. They were juniors in high school. They were the ones who died my mohawk tips green and then my whole mohawk blue. Just regular high school students. I called them the Tashas because they looked remarkably similar.

Now at the time of the incident I worked at a building across the street from Jeff, Sue and the Tashas. I parked, clocked-in and took breaks in their building so I could get the latest news on company politics and know who to avoid pissing off and who to piss off for fun.

It started off like any other day. The five of us and some random workers were sitting around my truck. Smoking and laughing. The first incident occured.

"Yeah, my S-10 takes a little more gas then I'd like. I switched octane levels to get the maximum fuel eficency out of her."
"Tashas, I think I'm going to throw a party. It's a 'John Stamos' party. You should come as your favorite style of Stamos. Mullet, post-mullet, Jake-in-progress. Anyone you want."
"Know who's hot?" Jeff said, "his wife."
"Ex-wife," Sue said. If anybody knew about ex-wives it was her.
"Yeah. Her boobs remind me of yours, Tasha."
Everyone was silent. Nobody knew what to say. I dismissed this as a moronic comment from a moronic person and kept on talking.
"You know it's no coincidence that Stamos got divorced right as the Olson twins turned eighteen."
"I need to wash my S-10, that rain made her look gross."

I cleaned the first batch of the toilets for the day. My scrubbing wand sang a song of victory and perserverance as I sprayed the filthy waters with my magic cleansor (aka bleach). The seats and tanks were monuments to my victories after I destroyed the dust, poop and piss stains that threatened all that was clean and good. This battle against filth was being won--for that day-- and all would be safe for a little while.

Before I knew it, my five-time-a-week battle would be haulted--temperarily-- while I went over to the other building for a cola, a smoke and conversation.

Normally Sue and Jeff would come outside to smoke with me. The Tashas didn't smoke but they came outside anyways to bask in the majesty that was King Dan the Magnificent, Lord High Soverign of All Janitors.

Today it was just the Tashas.

"Guess what happened while you were across the street?" Tasha said.
"What?"
"Jeff came up to Erin and said it was too bad she wasn't eighteen."
"Erin, go talk to Sue when you get back in."

I knew Sue was as smart as moss but I hoped she would do the right thing in spit of myself.

My scrubber in hand I scowered dirt, grime, grease and grit from their remaining hiding holes. I rolled over my mortal enemy like a semi on a basketball. The building was safe and America would stand at least one more day because of my efforts.

I was going to clock out and relax after a tough day of saving the world when it happened. I walked in the door and there were the Tashas.

Tasha was crying. She took off her glasses to wipe away the tears. New Tasha looked pissed. She looked like somebody who's new puppy was just ass-raped and wanted to have vengance Rolling Stones style.

"What the fuck is going on here?"
Tasha couldn't speak she was sobbing so hard. Erin was ready to explain.

While I was away, they told Sue about what Jeff said, assuming it would be held in confidence. When they were working Jeff called them to the break room and yelled at Tasha for ratting him out. He screamed at her because the owner might find out and then he might get in trouble. They were going to tell their parents. They walked out the door and I was getting ready to follow, I justl had some stuff to grab (namely free toilet paper) before I left.

My arms filled to the brim with free cornhole cleaners, I clocked out and was heading for my truck when the elevator to our basement operations room opened out out they stepped.

"We need to talk."
"Okay, Jeff, what do you want to talk about?"
Like I didn't already know where this was going.
"Did Tasha or Erin say anything to you about me sexually harrassing them?"
"Yeah. And you know what? You did."
"When? When did I harrass them?"
"Earlier today."
"What did I say?"
"Uhhh... you said her boobs looked like Stamos' wife's."
"Ex-wife."
"Stay out of this," he said.

Sue instantly retreated into herself. I wasn't even close to being shocked.

"I said no such thing."
"Yes, you did. I heard you with my own fucking ears."
"I didn't say that."
"Yes, you did. I fucking heard you."
"I never said that."
"Sue, you're the fucking manager, manage damnit."
"I'm just trying to figure out shats going on," she said.
"You were there!"
"I don't know what you're talking about," she said.

It was like argueing with full-grown children.

"We have a theory about why this is happening," Jeff said.
"Oh,this should be brilliant."
"Since Erin is about to get fired we figure Tasha started this rumor to try and get us to keep Erin around."
"Are you fucking serious?"
"So we have no choice but to terminate both of them. We just need to know if they told you anything else," Sue said.

I was livid. I couldn't yell because it wouldn't do any good. These two knew exactly what they were doing, so I only had one choice.

"Jeff. I can't believe you. I'm going home right now. Only one of us is going to be at work next week. I'll let you decide, Sue."

I walked away. They shouted after me but I just kept going. I didn't care what they said.

The weekend passed and I tryed to forget. I was possibly resigning my crown and jeapordizing the universe. The three days passed and I came to work.

When I drove into the garage, The first thing I saw was that stupid truck with the Superman "S" on the back window. I pulled into the garage, turned around and drove away.