Wednesday, January 05, 2005
I Need a Break from this Break
It’s like living beneath a sheet of ice.For the past two weeks I have been in my room living a life bouncing between three different things. Whenever you, my faithful readers, think of me, I’m either at work, sleeping, or sitting around waiting for work.These things alone don’t bother me, but when I’m waiting things get shitty. I start to get strange ideas in my mind, ideas not exactly sane or appropriate, but none-the-less, I think them.My mind is swirling like water around a drain. My job has caused me to become isolated and bitter. I sit and my mind rots, thinking of making mistakes on purpose.Everyday I want to end all this. Not in a suicide way, that’s cowardly, but in a Nintendo way.I want to press the restart button on my whole life. I want to begin a new. I want to piss off all my allies, drop out of school, and walk.I don’t know where I’ll walk, I don’t know how long I’ll walk, I don’t know when I’ll start this walk.For a long time, I’ve often thought of becoming a drifter, meandering about the countryside, surviving on good luck, and God’s good grace. These ideas are being amplified by my isolation and the redundancy of my life.I never thought about it, but I know now that I cannot have a job at a grocery store or any other job where things aren’t changing. I know if I were to be working at Bag ‘n Save in five years, I would become a raging alcoholic, I can guarantee this.I don’t know why I’ve been thinking like this, or how much longer I will think like this, but I think the very base of it is my life isn’t changing enough currently.I feel dead. I feel like there’s a sheet of ice between me and the world. It’s like I can see everything, but it’s not real, like its fake and uninteresting. I used to find so many things fun and interesting, but now I’m bored by everything.Being stuck in Lincoln alone isn’t helping.All my friends are 50 or more miles away. I have nobody to hang out with. The only people I see are at work, and those people are the polar opposite of me.I’m surrounded by the cold. It envelopes my surroundings and hinders any attempt at being social.Everyone is indoors, including me, and many people refuse to set foot outside in this weather. I can’t blame them, but the odds of running into somebody at random are reduced. It seems like there’s nobody alive at all.Everything is dead where I live.Since everyone left town, the campus has completely frozen in its tracks. The ground outdoors is similar to the way the campus feels.Dead, silent, stalled, and buried.I recently walked over to the union and before I could even walk up the stairs to enter, my attempts were hindered by a yellow rope which led to a sign saying:“Union Closed”With the heart of campus life closed, trapped under ice, it becomes all too obvious; campus is a ghost town.However, the countdown has begun.In less then a week, the union will hum again with the sound of humans interacting. When this happens, my mind can finally be kicked into its normal frame of existence.Until then, I’ll sit here, frozen in my dorm. Sleeping, working, and waiting.The days of normalcy will soon be here again.
posted by Dan # 2:55 AM 1 comments