The Ex-Girlfriend

I still want her. I must be stupid. My stomach carried
Jack Daniels and Keystone. She filled her lungs with
Hash. Her eyes were bloodshot. Each horizontal
surface was covered with empty beer cans; the
smell of marijuana invaded my nostrils and primal
urges surfaced. She wrapped her arms around my neck.
My pants became restrictive. I wanted her. Her white
stockings went up to the middle of her thighs; her skirt
barely hid her thong. She was wearing boots like girls
that star in porn Guys had been looking at her all night,
girls wanted her dead. She knew it, she loved it. We whispered
slurred desires to each other, positions, and when it would
happen. She ran her hand down my chest. She wanted to smoke.
She wanted her purse. She wanted my keys. She took them
away as soon as they were out of my pocket. She walked
through the crowd and I talked with friends about how difficult
she was to resist…for twenty minutes. My brother came
in and looked at me. The frown on his face told me something
was wrong. I called her twice and got her voicemail both times.
I pushed aside friends, acquaintances and strangers. I got outside
and found two black marks going south. I kicked a rock as hard
as I could. If only it had been her. I went inside and tell my friends.
She came back then. I had the munchies she said. I didn’t
think you would mind since you’re so drunk. She threw my keys
at me and walked back into the house.

It's Not Fair

*I know whoever reads this is probably sick of my fucking poems. I've just had a lot of poetry on my mind thanks to English 253. Regardless, I don't give a fuck. Here is my latest poem with special thanks to my roommate, Adam for his assistance.*

One month—
Chatting families, polished
Pigs, joyful screams, the Ferris
Wheel and funnel
Cake—
The Nebraska State Fair Grounds.

But…

What happens?

When the 4-H
Leaves
And the Animals become
Meals?

Buildings sit like tombstones.
Surrounded by
Empty
Parking lots covered in ice.

Crying out. Missing spinning
Rubber on its
Face.

A lone heartbeat--
Across the wasted land.
The news isn’t
New
Anymore-- He fills the machines
Anyway.

As many today as yesterday
As tomorrow.
And he drives off to get his check.

And horse stalls fills with
Rotting leaves. Patient and
Desperate,
Lights shine down on forgotten pavement.

Judas Kiss

I still want her. I must be stupid. My second forty
is in my stomach. She comes over and I let her press
into me. She kisses me. My pants restrict. I want her. She wants
her purse. She wants to smoke. She wants my keys. I give them
to bloodshot eyes. She doesn’t say thank you and walks away.
Twenty minutes gone. I go outside.
Two black marks.

I don't have an official title yet, but I'm thinking JUDAS KISS

I still want her, I must be stupid. My second forty was in my stomach when she came over in her mini-skirt. She kissed me and my pants got tight. She asked for my car keys with bloodshot eyes. She wanted to smoke. I gave them to her. Twenty minutes go by--where is she? I walk outside and my car is gone.

I Got Played

After having a good couple of days to reflect on the events of the past weekend, I finally can say that I can draw one solid conclusion: I got played.

Her name was Natalie. She is the one who played me. I will never again doubt the powers of an actress. She trained me over the course of three weeks into thinking she cared about me. I went along with this because I thought she was beauitful. She trained me to want her presence. She manipulated me into thinking she was more important than anything else. She tricked me into accepting her ways as the most important and everything I did should be done with her in mind.

I bought it. I believed every word of it. I should have reviewed her actions and seen the obvious but I was too blinded by her eyes to see what she was doing.

The stupidest thing that I did in the relationship came at about the three week mark. She told me she liked my friend better than she liked me. I was hurt but I let her go. After she talked to my friend and discovered that he didn't feel the same way, she came back to me, and I let her. She played me once.

Then we developed a system of "half-dating." We were in an open relationship--except I couldn't do anything with other girls, including talk to and look at them, but she could (and did) flirt with other guys and made out with at least one.

It's unfortunate that I allowed her to play me for as long as I did. Had it been just a few weeks longer she may be playing me still. However, the incident that broke me away from her manipulation came just five days ago.

While spectacularly drunk she stole my car while she was spectcularly high. She went to cure her munchies and she cured me of her. When she came back she couldn't even confront me about her wrong doing. I had to go to her.

In the cool Octobe night I finally said my peace. I told her she was manipulative. I told her she was controlling. I told her she was a liar. I told her everything that had been building up. I finally got to leave her behind...

The sad thing is if she called me right now, I'd answer.

The final thing that took me over the edge was the next day. I awoke to a text message I'll never forget. I only read it once, but I was so shocked I couldn't help but memorize it.

"I'm sorry. I still care about you. I was up all night crying."

Wow. She was still trying to play me even after everything that just happened. Apparently it wasn't enough to rip my heart open twice. I don't think she would have been satisfied until she had broken me completely in half.

What can I say I learned this weekend? I got played. I got played for longer than I should have. I take the blame because it was my fault. However, this isn't all bad. This is the first time I have ever been played and I hope it is the last. Now I know what to look for when I enter future relationships. I am grateful for this knowledge, because it will come in handy later on.

As for Natalie, I will forgive her. It won't do me any good to stay bitter at her forever. I do know that I will not forget this weekend and the way I felt when I realized someone I cared so much for betrayed me so horribly. She will never be my girlfriend. I know this for a fact. Whenever I look at her eyes now all I can see is the shit she put me through all because she could.

In the end I am stronger for this experiance. It could have been a lot worse. Whatever happens next will be okay because through all the experiances I have ever had, I learned a lot on that Friday. I know exactly what is like when somebody gets played.