Saturday, July 23, 2005
Thoughts From Omaha...
For the first time in a month and a half I have returned to Omaha. This is the first time I have come to my parent's home since I moved on my own. The rush of emotions is just so overwhelming. I never thought I could imagine a more depressing situation.I can say that I don't belong here. Everyone else's life in this residence has moved on. I came back expecting m parents and brothers to be the same. I know that is an asinine assumption, but I couldn't help myself. I hate seeing lives pass me by and still pretending that we aren't so different.Walking through my old house I see remnants of the past life I called my own. My books. My bed. My movies. All these things once meant something to me. Running my hands over these relics almost brings tears to my eyes. Everyday my past gets dimmer and dimmer and these pieces of inanimate matter just squeeze and molest my very soul.Drew is getting bigger and bigger. He's falling for girls and good at sports. I remember the day he was born. I remember wondering what he would become. I see him gsarting manhood and I can' believe I completely missed it.John has achieved a level of fame. I remember when he was a strict military man who was going to become a navy seal. Now he's able to grab a crowd by the pecker and ake it wherever he wants to. He's got friends and music skills that seem to have appeared overnight. He listens to music I've never heard of before. I remember when he listened to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and thought Flea was cool.My parents seem to be enjoying the fruits of their lifetimes of labor. I see fancy little appliances popping up around the house. They deserve it. They both work really hard and should appreciate what they have built together. I remember when John and I shared a room.Both of my grandpas have been dead before I could even remember them. Now, both of my grandma's lay dying. The clock is ticking on the generation that spawned the generation that spawned me. I'm afraid for the family reactions to the inevitable. I'm afraid for my reactions.In Lincoln I could ignore the pain. In Lincoln I don't have to be around this museum to my past. In Linoln, I can smile and laugh and play because I don't have to look at a decaying past that I'm no longer apart of.Only when I return to Omaha that I have to look at this. It surrounds me on all sides and forces itself to make me think about the pain. I could cry, I really could. It's so over whelming to watch life pass you by while you try to build your own somewhere else.There's little evidence I ever lived here outside the photographs. There's nothing of any importance to me here. Everything I own in Omaha could be burned and I wouldn't care.There are two parts to my life.The first eighteen years I wasted. I never accomplished anything that I could be proud of. I never kissed a girl. I almost failed out of high school. I neve tried anything fun. I just sat around and watched television.Then, I moved to Lincoln. I finally got to experience all those base things that make a normal person a person. I made a few really good friends that will last the rest of my life. I've had some fairly unique experiences. I fell in love with a city. I can almost consider myself two years old because my life didn't truly begin until I went down there.I know my readers wonder why I never come to town. Now they know. I don't know if they might not understand, maybe they will. It's not hate, it's necessity. My life is evolving and so is everyone else's.That's why I haven't been around recently. That's why I won't be around much more in the future. It's nothing personal. It's time for me to move on. It's time to build a new life for myself away from the pain this city causes me.Call me a coward, a failure, a psycho or whatever, I truly believe this is imporant to me as a person.
posted by Dan # 2:44 AM 1 comments
Thoughts From Omaha...
For the first time in a month and a half I have returned to Omaha. This is the first time I have come to my parent's home since I moved on my own. The rush of emotions is just so overwhelming. I never thought I could imagine a more depressing situation.I can say that I don't belong here. Everyone else's life in this residence has moved on. I came back expecting m parents and brothers to be the same. I know that is an asinine assumption, but I couldn't help myself. I hate seeing lives pass me by and still pretending that we aren't so different.Walking through my old house I see remnants of the past life I called my own. My books. My bed. My movies. All these things once meant something to me. Running my hands over these relics almost brings tears to my eyes. Everyday my past gets dimmer and dimmer and these pieces of inanimate matter just squeeze and molest my very soul.Drew is getting bigger and bigger. He's falling for girls and good at sports. I remember the day he was born. I remember wondering what he would become. I see him gsarting manhood and I can' believe I completely missed it.John has achieved a level of fame. I remember when he was a strict military man who was going to become a navy seal. Now he's able to grab a crowd by the pecker and ake it wherever he wants to. He's got friends and music skills that seem to have appeared overnight. He listens to music I've never heard of before. I remember when he listened to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and thought Flea was cool.My parents seem to be enjoying the fruits of their lifetimes of labor. I see fancy little appliances popping up around the house. They deserve it. They both work really hard and should appreciate what they have built together. I remember when John and I shared a room.Both of my grandpas have been dead before I could even remember them. Now, both of my grandma's lay dying. The clock is ticking on the generation that spawned the generation that spawned me. I'm afraid for the family reactions to the inevitable. I'm afraid for my reactions.In Lincoln I could ignore the pain. In Lincoln I don't have to be around this museum to my past. In Linoln, I can smile and laugh and play because I don't have to look at a decaying past that I'm no longer apart of.Only when I return to Omaha that I have to look at this. It surrounds me on all sides and forces itself to make me think about the pain. I could cry, I really could. It's so over whelming to watch life pass you by while you try to build your own somewhere else.There's little evidence I ever lived here outside the photographs. There's nothing of any importance to me here. Everything I own in Omaha could be burned and I wouldn't care.There are two parts to my life.The first eighteen years I wasted. I never accomplished anything that I could be proud of. I never kissed a girl. I almost failed out of high school. I neve tried anything fun. I just sat around and watched television.Then, I moved to Lincoln. I finally got to experience all those base things that make a normal person a person. I made a few really good friends that will last the rest of my life. I've had some fairly unique experiences. I fell in love with a city. I can almost consider myself two years old because my life didn't truly begin until I went down there.I know my readers wonder why I never come to town. Now they know. I don't know if they might not understand, maybe they will. It's not hate, it's necessity. My life is evolving and so is everyone else's.That's why I haven't been around recently. That's why I won't be around much more in the future. It's nothing personal. It's time for me to move on. It's time to build a new life for myself away from the pain this city causes me.Call me a coward, a failure, a psycho or whatever, I truly believe this is imporant to me as a person.
posted by Dan # 2:44 AM 1 comments
posted by Dan at
3:39 PM
<< Home