Wednesday, May 18, 2005
Failure
I can honestly say that at this moment I have never felt like more of a failure than I have in my whole life.I have joked about my worthlessness, my being a 'waste-o-sperm' many times before in the past, but I honestly never believed it until now.I'm out. The lifestyle that I have been living for the past week is over. I am coming back to Omaha for the summer, to work at Bag 'N Save and be genereally depressed for the next 3 months.Have you ever held your breath for a long time? Have you ever felt that craving for oxygen, that need to breathe burn down through your lungs and into your mind, possesing every sense, idea and capability?That is what this summer is going to be like for me.The week I spent in that apartment was the happiest of my life. God never intended me to be rich. I wasn't predestined to change the world or even live comfortabily in it. The only thing I will be able to say when I die is that I was my own man. That's all I can hope for, and maybe all anyone can hope for.I had it. I had paradise. I had freedom. I lost it all.The next three months are going to be hell. I know it. No matter what face I try to put on the situation, all I will see is how I had what I wanted and lost it. All I know is I am a failure. My freedom will give way to my parents rules as I live under their roof. I won't be home, I will be occupying space between shifts.I am going to return, with my tail between my legs and my head hung low on Thursday night. This weekend will be the saddest time of my life. I'll adjust, but very gradually.To never have something is to never know it's pleasures. I had obtained my Eden, and lost it. I will soon be suffering the greatest loss of my life.
posted by Dan # 11:50 PM 0 comments