I'm A Fucking Idiot

I swear to christ I'm a fucking idiot.

I just got off the phone with her. I never should have answered. I never should have picked up the goddamn thing. I should have thrown that thing into a river or smashed it with a fucking bat. Anything except what I did. I should have burned it or thrown it in the toilet, but I didn't. I answered it.

I sweat to christ I am a fucking idiot.

She still gets to me. We broke up two months ago and I thought I had dealt with all the emotion. I thought I was over her. I made out with one chick. I fucked another. She should be out of my system but for some fucked up reason I can't get her off my mind. She should be gone, but she's not.

I swear to christ I'm a fucking idiot.

It wasn't even that big a deal. So she hooked up with someone else. So fucking what? I did it, why shouldn't she? She should enojy herself too. I'm not her keeper anymore. I'm just a friend now. Yet everytime she mentioned him, it killed me a little inside.

I swear to christ I am a fucking idiot.

It was when she said he was better that it hurt most. She tried to be nice. She said he was more "experianced" than me. She said she liked everything else I did before and after sex better. She said she missed me all the time and that I shouldn't be jealous. Yet that phrase she said is going to echo in my head for the rest of the fucking night.

I swear to christ I am a fucking idiot.

It feels like I tried so hard for her and it was all in vain. No matter how hard I tried it just wasn't what she wanted. She wanted it to be dirty. I wanted to feel connected. I guess that was my mistake.

I swear to christ I am a fucking idiot.

She'll fuck him again. I'll ask about it. She'll tell me and I will hate myself all over again. I know it's better for me not to ask, but some part of me can't help but wonder. I'm too comfortable around her and the question will slip. And she'll tell me. And I'll feel like shit all over again.

I swear to christ I am a fucking idiot.