Phoneless

To all the people who know me I'm going to be phoneless for a week or so. I will send out a bulleting with my new number when I get it.
Dan

Declaration of War

People of Earth,
Your time has come to perish. We of the Imperial Empire of the Moon have grown weary of your infighting and anti-robot sentiment. All nations who refuse to surrender in the next forty-eight hours will be crushed by the iron fist of the Moon. For those who are wise enough to select capitulation, you will be brought to the moon for re-education and training as members of the Imperial Army and service members of our great society. Those who refuse to surrender will die and your brightest scientists and janitors will be forced to work for us. Nations of Earth, the clock is ticking.
Sincerly,
Emporer Dan Fbach the Magnificent
Unquestioned Lord and Master of the Moon

I'm over being a bitch. Thought I would set out a sample declaration of war and a list of my officers.

1- Emporer: Me
2- Secretary of War: (Still up in the air, the choice is between) Carlin or Tom
3- Minister of Research: Penelope
4- Minister of Propaganda: JJ
5- Ally from Mars: John
6- Minister of Coups: Josh
7- Minister of Torture: Bernie
8- Minister of Sexy: Mr. De la Rosa
9- Minister of Robots: Peter Weller
10- (Ad) Minister of Pain: Saber

FAIR WARNING!

This is going to be really pissy, so if you don't want to hear me bitch just move on. I'll probably delete this in a few days.

Maybe.

I hate the phrase "thanks for the effort" or "you tried really hard" about anything I honestly care about.

It's such a cheesedick thing to do. It's basically saying "there's nothing good about this, so I'm going to say/write the obvious and neutral thing I can."

A perfect example of this came today in my fiction class. I put a lot of time into that class. My novel wasn't the best, but I tried really fucking hard to do what I could. Today we got our evaluations and grades and guess what was on it.

"Thanks for the effort. Keep writing."

Of course he's going to write keep writing. What the fuck else would he write? "Quit now?" "Give up?" "Switch majors?" Of course not. Then he writes this shit about effort.

I know I put effort into it. I don't need that reiterated. I takes me back to my football/swimming/track/speech days when, even though I got the shit beat out of me. I still "gave it my best shot."

I'd rather hear thatI suck.

Erotic Fiction Part II

So I have become so disgusted with the blindingly obvious formula behind all these sex novels that I have written my own to prove how fucking worthless they are.

Heres the formula:

1- The introduction where the narrator tries to make it subtle where the story is going but fails miserably:

I met JJ one night at a party downtown. I hated college because it made me tense. Thank God JJ was there to relieve my stress.

2- The Setting: How the moronic narrator ends up in the situation where sex is the "only outcome":
I showed up at the party late because I was busy studying. It's hard work being a communications major. People were starting to leave when I showed up and the keg was empty.

3- The Lust Object: A breif desciption of the person who is about to get some, usually guys are not described deeper than this:
JJ had a twelve beers, (and inches as I would find out later.) I knew him from around the union. His long eyelashes and bike were the talk of all the girls in my sorority.

4- The Whore: Usually the girl will be described about four time longer than this:
They all hated me because I was prettier than them. With my natural blonde hair and green eyes all the boys would go for me first. Sometimes I liked to war a short skirt to show off my thin legs and muscular ass.

5-The Gross Desciption of how the narrator's genitals are reacting:
I drank some of JJ's beer and was starting to feel horny. Just the thought of him ridin his bike around campus was getting me wet and I could feel the juices flowing out of my shaven cunt.

6-The Dialouge where the narrator creates a false pretense for sex:
"Do you have a car?" I asked.
"No, I have a truck," he said as he squinted his eyes and took a picture of himself.
"Can I see it?"

7- The beginning:
It was a warm spring evening and I could smell my juices when the breeze kicked up. My desire to grab JJ's cock grew more intense with every step toward his truck. When we finally got there we climbed into the bed and laid down.
"This is a big truck," I said smiling in a sexy way, "but I want to see something even bigger."
I unzipped his pants and took his swollen member into my mouth.

MST3K

Thanks to the miracle of the internet I have been able to download old episodes of the show Mystery Science Theater 3000, also known as MST3K.

For those of you who don't know what this show is, you suck. It's about a guy who worked temp jobs in Wisconsin until his bosses decide to shoot him into space and force him to watch bad movies to see if he'll go crazy. The guy, orginally Joel Hodgeson, later replaced by Mike Nelson, builds two robots named Crowe and Servo, and together the trio makes fun of old sci-fi movies.

Not the most belivable premise, granted, but the show tells you to suspend belief at the beginning. In the opening songs the phrase "If you're wondering how he eats and breathes/and other science fact/just repeat to yourself/it's just a show/I should really just relax."

While watching these old episodes I wondered why I was still so attached to the episodes five years after it was taken off the air. Then it hit me: this show is one of the most influential things in my life.

I started watching the show when I was in eighgth grade. Not having a "mainstream" sense of humor I was unamuzed by the antics of Tom Green and the rest of the MTV puppets. When I flipped to this show, it was something different.

The humor was really caustic. The characters in the show did some pretty fucked up things to each other. For example, in one of the later episodes the ship Mike and the 'bots live in is infested with aliens. Mike is the only one at risk since the aliens can't eat robots. Mike starts cooking the alien eggs and feeding them to the 'bots. Servo obeys, but Crowe dresses up as a food critic and starts judging Mike's cooking ability right in the middle of the alien invasion.

Since I didn't have many friends in middle school, I spent my Saturday nights between ten and midnight watching the show. Since this show came at such a pivitol point in my life, it became permanently engrained in my mental processes.

Special Guest Comic

Thanks to JJ for throwing this together. I know it's amazing. If you see JJ, perform oral sex upon him in gratitude.

Nobody Can Waste Time Better Than Me!

Want proof? I did this when I should have been writing one of the thirty pages I need to do before the end of the semester...

The Fbach Dictionary

The True Love Fallacy: Also known as the deplorable fallacy, it is the idea held by many individuals (particularly with online blogs) that all their personal prblems can be solved by finding Ms/Mr Right.

I KNOW WHAT I MUST DO!

This summer:
Britt, IA- MUTHA FUCKIN' HOBO MUSEUM! You're goddamn right you just read that. Let it sink in.

Did you gain you composure?

Good.

Call me if interested.

Disturbingly Bored

With another three hours until tag starts and nothing better to do, I have decided to write an essay on robots.

They've been with us for years. Every childhood knows them, many adults love them. They have been cheered, booed, written on, photographed and programmed. Yet through it all, many people don't seem to know the different types of robots. As diverse as they are there is still fairly set guidelines for what kinds of robots fall into which categories.

Before I begin discussing the different types of robot, I must define the term robot. A robot is a mechanical item capable of performing human functions or behaviors. Robot is an umbrella term that includes many different things. Computers, radios and the machines assembling cars in Detroit are all robots. Although lacking artificial inteligence, they still preform human functions like storing information, broadcasting music and building automobiles.

However, with rapidly advancing computer technology, the traditional functions of robots could soon be altered forever. I believe that the next advance in robot technology will astound all of us but may someday become common place in society. The upcoming leap for robots will be from automatic machines doing pre-programmed operations to intergrating human-robot technology into the next step: cyborgs.
Cyborgs are cybernetic organisms. They are a combination of living tissue and robotic technology. Cyborgs will initially be implants and grafts onto the human body to replace worn out and damaged tissue. Over time human beings will be able to introduce this technolgy into most of their bodies.

I would like to make it clear that humans who upload their minds into robot bodies are not considered cyborgs. That is considered artificial intelligence. A cyborg must have at least 15% of its permanent structure be organic material. However, humans that implant their brains in robot bodies are cyborgs.

Another important term that must be defined is artificial inteligence. Artificial inteligence is any inteligence or sentience or ability to precieve the world that an object isn't born with. The preception abilities that an object is born with are called latent inteligence.

The next phase in robots is droids. A droid is a robot with artificial interlligence that has a body composed of a non-organic substance like tin, aluminum, titanium, or iron. Classic examples of this are R2-D2 and C-3PO. They are capable of interacting with people and responding and exhibiting emotions but clearly they are not human.

Another interesting sidebar of robots is the fast-approaching nano-bots. These are microscopic robots that can fall into any of the above categories, but would most likely be classified as droids. These robots have astounding medical and millitary applications. In a peaceful sense nano-bots could be used (hypothetically) to attack cancerous cells and repair infected tissue. In a millitary sense, the more frightening sense, they could be used to inject poisons into the systems of enemies or completely disable tanks and aircraft by attack fuel cells and weapon systems in addition to the crew.

The final chapter I will discuss is androids. The ultimate in robot evolution. An android is a synthetic human. Everything about an android is human except for it is manufactured by humans. It is a person assembeled by people. Similar to a droid, it has artificial intelligence, it can interact with the environment and the people around it. Much like a cyborg, it will have organic materials, particularly skin, and will be indistinguishable from the average asshole walking around on the street. Two examples of anroids are Data from Star Trek: The Next Generation and Bishop from the Aliens movies.

Virtually identical to an actual human, these machines could serve as an excellent serving class and a horrifying ruling one.

The ethics of robots are unique. Although they have intelligence, they must not be allowed to have free will. Robots capable of making their own decisions based on cold, hard logic would inevitably turn upon us. They must always be tools and not creatures. Cyborgs don't fall into this category because they are people with robotic parts. They must not be allowed to vote, hold office, or hold manegerial jobs.

The many types of science fiction robots are varied, but they reflect a degree of evolution. From simple radios and car assemlers to using higher cognative functions, the diffrent types of robots reflect the evolution of the concept as a whole. Inevitably they will become so real they become sentient beings, but this must never be allowed to happen. Robots are to serve humanity, humanity isn't to serve robots.

Thirty-Eight to go

My advisor just gave me the news a moment ago. In thirty-eight credit hours I will have officially grauated from the university.

I'm not sure how to react. (Guess where this is going.)

On one hand I will never have to go to school again if I don't want to. I can go on adventures and travel and all that fun shit. In just thirty-eight credit hours I will be free from this place.

On the other hand I've had a lot of fun here over the years. From confused Poli-Sci major to pathetic Journalism student to competant English major I've changed a lot and there was a lot of fun along the way.

The thing I will miss most of all is my major. I do love this shit. I've learned so much about fiction and poetry in the past three years that I could probably be published within the next two. Beyond that though, I had fun doing English assignments. I'll miss writting papers and stories and poems. I can and will contiune to do them on my own, but it won't be quite the same.

When doing this shit for school you get feed back and teachers guide you through the process. In the world I'm going to I have to send it in to an anonymous publisher who reads it, rejects it and sends it back without any comment on how to make it better.

Well, as you can see I'm bored and rambling. I shall stop...

FREE THE PEOPLE!

ROBOCOP 4

I haven't slept in so long. As a result I think everything here is gold. When I wake up tomorrow I'm going to hate myself.

I present to you the tentative outline for Robocop 4:

Robocop (played by Peter Weller) is shopping for babyfood at his local grocery store. Fifteen years have passed since the events of Robocop 3. Retired and useless, he watches Short Circuit and has sex with his refridgerator.

Meanwhile the citizens of Detroit, led by the token-black-guy mayor the keep electing for some unholy reason, voice their concerns that Robocop is depressed and becoming a threat to the community.Fearing he could return to his lifestyle of indiscrimately killing people with gaping chest wound kills and lecturing citizens on nutrition.

After visiting his old partner's grave to "remove" the baby food, the battered, malfunctioning cyborg returns to his home, to pray for death.

Meanwhile, The mysterious CEO of Omni Consumer Products know as the old man is about to be forced into retirment by his son, who will be played by John Stamos. The old man formulates a plan to stop the takeover, but it won't be easy. It is common knowledge around Detroit that Pirate gold is buried under the ghetto he failed to clear out in the third movie. Only one cyborg can make the zone stable again, so the old man goes in search of his former product.

John Stamos wants the pirate gold horribly, but since the defeat of the Samurai Robots by the cop/street punk team the alliance fell apart after both parties returned to their respective roles.
A new drug, Kane, is sweeping the ghetto. More addictive and more psychodelic than Nuke, users begin to experiance delusions of godhood after merely a few tries. It is administered through ear drops.

Computer Kid from Robocop 3 (I can't remember his/her gender) is now a major player at OCP. Using his/her computer genious to fire up the corperate ladder she/he hasn't contacted the inhabitants of the ghetto she/he escaped.

His/her claim to fame at OCP is the technology that programed Robocop's gaping-chest-wound kill prowess into even the most lathargic of police officers.

Robocop returns from his partner's grave. He is about to smoke when the council of anti-robocopness shows up on his door. They inform him that the time has come for him to shut down. He gladly abides.

With only one month left in his position as CEO of OCP the old man plans his glorious securing of the throne. By bringing back Robocop he plans to reprogram the cyborg to run wild over the ghetto, telling our hero that everyone in the ghetto is a criminal.

After reactivating Robocop, the old man realizes the error he made. Robocop did not want to be turned back on. The cyborg realizes that the only way he can get the 'retirement' he wants is to kill all the people in the world.

After killing the old guy with a gaping-chest-wound shot, he arms himself with guns and baby food and prepares to cut a path of gaping-chest-wounded bodies across the city. Heading towards the ghetto first because he wants to destroy the gold so everyone loses. Then he will crusade to exterminate humanity.

Robocop's mission goes well.

Kid from Robocop 3 is hears what his/her former friend is doing and decides to build a device to kill Robocop. Although armor-piercing guns never worked, Robocop has one famous weakness: Rebar.

Remembering that Red Foreman once bare handedly thrust a piece of rebar through Robocop, she/he knows there's only one choice and sets out building a rebar gun. He/she needs time to make it. While he/she races the clock, Robocop kills more and more people with gaping chest wound shots.

Cops, children, the elderly, he doesn't give a fuck as long as they die by gaping gun wounds in the chest.

John Stamos cranks up the Kane supply in the Robocop 3 ghetto. Everyone is feeling the effects. The street-punks and such begin to think they can't be killed by robo-gaping gunshot wounds to the chest and they are chosen by god to kill the cyborg that helped them not too long ago...

They attack the cops and steal the technology from their bodies that allows them to fire shots to the chest so well. John Stamos dispatches field surgeons to pose as hobos who know how to install advanced technology. The citizens of the ghetto believe they are angles.

John Stamos also installs a moronic fool (played by Peter Weller) as the head of the ghetto attack squads. He supplies arms and Kane to whip the crowd into a frenzy of gaping-chest wounding and anti-robocop sentiment.

John Stamos laughs with joy since the ghetto is about to be liquidated and he can get the gold and become the head of an even more powerful/evil corperation.

As Robocop's first spree comes to an end, he reaches the outskirts of the ghetto and begins the second. People are dying left and right but they keep fighting because the Kane makes each individual think he or she is the one chosen by god to kill Robocop.

The massive blood shed and painful screams entice Robocop and he wonders why he ever wanted to uphold the law.

As the body count goes higher and higher he arrives in the center of the ghetto where he is confronted by none other than kid from Robocop 3. He/she has completed the rebar gun and is ready to destory him.

As anticipated, the rebar gun kills Robocop. The citizens, angry that they weren't able to kill him and the friend's selling-out, turn upon kid from Robocop 3 and destroy him/her in an orgy of gaping chest wounds and gore.

The ghetto, having crushed itself, leaves John Stamos happy. Upon hearing the news that he will be claiming the gold, he does a line of coke off a hooker's tit and laughs with glee. He has sex with her all night then gets the gold and becomes richer and more powerful than at the start of the movie.

John Stamos wins, Peter Weller loses and the world makes sense again.

The End.

TAG

Except for the rain everything was good.

And it can only get better!