I'm A Fucking Idiot

I swear to christ I'm a fucking idiot.

I just got off the phone with her. I never should have answered. I never should have picked up the goddamn thing. I should have thrown that thing into a river or smashed it with a fucking bat. Anything except what I did. I should have burned it or thrown it in the toilet, but I didn't. I answered it.

I sweat to christ I am a fucking idiot.

She still gets to me. We broke up two months ago and I thought I had dealt with all the emotion. I thought I was over her. I made out with one chick. I fucked another. She should be out of my system but for some fucked up reason I can't get her off my mind. She should be gone, but she's not.

I swear to christ I'm a fucking idiot.

It wasn't even that big a deal. So she hooked up with someone else. So fucking what? I did it, why shouldn't she? She should enojy herself too. I'm not her keeper anymore. I'm just a friend now. Yet everytime she mentioned him, it killed me a little inside.

I swear to christ I am a fucking idiot.

It was when she said he was better that it hurt most. She tried to be nice. She said he was more "experianced" than me. She said she liked everything else I did before and after sex better. She said she missed me all the time and that I shouldn't be jealous. Yet that phrase she said is going to echo in my head for the rest of the fucking night.

I swear to christ I am a fucking idiot.

It feels like I tried so hard for her and it was all in vain. No matter how hard I tried it just wasn't what she wanted. She wanted it to be dirty. I wanted to feel connected. I guess that was my mistake.

I swear to christ I am a fucking idiot.

She'll fuck him again. I'll ask about it. She'll tell me and I will hate myself all over again. I know it's better for me not to ask, but some part of me can't help but wonder. I'm too comfortable around her and the question will slip. And she'll tell me. And I'll feel like shit all over again.

I swear to christ I am a fucking idiot.

At Long Last:

MY EYES FEEL LIKE THEY’RE GONNA BLEED
- “Brain Stew” by Green Day

And I haven’t been the same since
that stinking-hot night in May,
when I hurled my voice inside
the stadium’s concrete womb.

We assembled to forget in Section C,
too far from the stage, so we jumped
the gate into a pit of pierced tongues,
of green and purple hair, of fists,

and I haven’t been the same since.
The puke stuck to my shoes,
a skinhead’s elbow sharp against
my face. My soul spilled out my mouth.

Crowd-surfing, riding the shoulders,
trying to break the barrier of hands
and heads, thrown into midnight
while pyros breached the dark. Black out.

And I haven’t been the same since
I woke with story of a scar. The gutter
life so close to death it’s almost sweet.
And I haven’t been the same since,

limping to the bus, I felt the blood
drip down my chin. My eye swelled
shut, shutting away what it had seen before,
shutting the pain into a box of night.




.

Brian

I just finished talking to Brian Nogowski for the last time of my life. It feels good to have some closure. I'm glad to know that there is no possible recessitation of our long-dead friendship, but I can't help but laugh when I realize that Brian is one of the most influencial people in my life.

It's not because he was smart. On the contrary, he was fairly unintelagent. He mostly repeated things he read on right wing websites and yell them so loudly that you would forfeit an argument just to shut him up. It wasn't beause he worked hard, because anyone who knows the story knows he spent the last semester of his college life in his dorm alone. It's not because he has a great future, because he just got his first job in over a year. It's because he was a shining example of how a person should not live.

I remember when I first befriended him. I remember all the layers of lies and bullshit I had to cut through in order to see the true him. It took almost a year to do it, but I did it. I actually saw him cry one night. I thought he could be a life ling ally, and a source of comfort when I would need it the most.

Then things began to deteriorate. One stupid remark about caffiene addiction to the wrong person. One stupid incident of sitting in front of that person's door with a knife for half an hour and before I knew it I had no respect for him.

Then he cut class. Then, he cut more class. Then, he stopped going to class. He sat around in his room and felt bad for himself and as a result lost what little conversational ability he had.

The next semester was worse. He didn't leave his room. Not once. He didn't go anywhere except his parents house in Omaha. He didn't contact anyone or make any attempts to....(more coming)

Friday, August 26, 2005
Shirts that I Hate....
Well, now that classes are back in session, I'm seeing more and more of something I hate: T-shirts that make me violent. It's like the person wearing the shirt has so little of a personality that he or she has to get a t-shirt to distract people from how much of a moron he or she can be, but fails and backs up the point even more so.So I have compiled a list of the most irritateding shirts that I would love to get together in a pile and set on fire.1- Family Guy Shirts- As if quotes from this damn show aren't everywhere already, they decided to take the quotes and throw them on shirts. It's sad. I remember when Family Guy was an undergraound phenomeneon and me and three other people were the only ones who ever even heard of it. Now I see it on shirts for morons who are just following the crowd. Good work moron, you've managed to make my penis softer than I could ever imagine.2- Frat shirts- Nobody cares which beer guzzeling, rich kid infested hole you crawled out of. Prance back into it and put on a respectable shirt and maybe you will stop being a tool.3- Sorority shirts- The popularity contests ended with high school. You're in college now. Stop trying to impress people by being in some whore-rority that will allow you to be the sexual plaything of the above mentioned group. Choke and die on that fucking t-shirt.4- The "Jail Shirt"- Bright orange, obnoxious and false advertising. If you had been to prison, you wouldn't be trying to tell the world you had. All you're doing is assaulting my eyes with a color gone wrong. Maybe I should plant drugs on you so you would actually go to prison and be made Big Bubba's bitch.And the shirt that I hate more than any other shirt:5- The shirt with some stupid ass quip on it- "Homosexuals Are Gay," "My name is Richard but you can call me Dick," and "Where are we going and Why am I in this Handbasket" are just a few of the infinite examples of these stupid shirts. It's not cleaver. It's not cute. It's definitly not cool. All it does is prove you're a fucking idiot who is taking up my precious oxygen and wasting cotton in a pathetic and shallow attempt at style. If I were president these shirts would earn the death penalty just because they are so goddamn stupid.There's my Maddox moment. Enjoy that shit.
posted by Dan # 12:00 PM 1 comments

Monday, August 22, 2005
Now That I'm Older...
Now that I have been at college for two years I finally have the right to point and laugh at freshman.Anybody I see today who is looking at a map, staring at a schedule or scratching their head bewilderely is going to get a wedgie.
posted by Dan # 8:56 AM 1 comments

Thursday, August 18, 2005
And Three Months Later...
So this summer will end the way it began: with a mohawk.I remember the day I got my first hawk. It was for the Greenday concert. I had no idea when I first shaved my head this way how different things would become just thre months later.When I got that cut, I was in love. When I get this cut, I am out of it.Three months of seperation proved to be too much for my relatioship with her. I lovd her, and I will always love her as a friend, but the seperation and the differences and the bullshit ultimatly won out over a relationship based on boredom, just the same though, I don't regret anything I did with her.When I made my hair radical, I lived in the dorms. When I make my hair diferent, I'll be on my own.I have rejected my parent's authority. I am my own man now and I have a long road ahead of me. Sometimes it is difficult for me to grasp the concept of my independance. It feels like any moment now I will have to back up my shit and return to Omaha, but I know that can never happen. I'm still in shock that I am truly home now.When I first wore this socially unacceptable haircut, I didn't know who my true friends were. As I get the same haircut, I know damn well who they are.The one I can trust, the ones on my crew have proven their importance to my life time and time again this summer. From my deep dark pit of my depresion in her place to the triumphant move into my own place, they have stood by me. I can't thank them enough and sadly, none of them will probably ever read these words.When I got chopped the first time I was a journalism major, when I get chopped this time, I will be an English and Teaching major.I think I finally know where my life needs to be and I know how to get their. This isn't going to be easy, and I have seen many people fall around me, but I know I can do it.And three months later I am another step closer to graduation. My second to last summer vacation is about to draw to a close. What these next nine month will entail, nobody can say. All I can say is I am as rady as I can be.Rest In Peace Summer of 2005
posted by Dan # 7:57 AM 1 comments

Thursday, August 18, 2005
And Three Months Later...
So this summer will end the way it began: with a mohawk.I remember the day I got my first hawk. It was for the Greenday concert. I had no idea when I first shaved my head this way how different things would become just thre months later.When I got that cut, I was in love. When I get this cut, I am out of it.Three months of seperation proved to be too much for my relatioship with her. I lovd her, and I will always love her as a friend, but the seperation and the differences and the bullshit ultimatly won out over a relationship based on boredom, just the same though, I don't regret anything I did with her.When I made my hair radical, I lived in the dorms. When I make my hair diferent, I'll be on my own.I have rejected my parent's authority. I am my own man now and I have a long road ahead of me. Sometimes it is difficult for me to grasp the concept of my independance. It feels like any moment now I will have to back up my shit and return to Omaha, but I know that can never happen. I'm still in shock that I am truly home now.When I first wore this socially unacceptable haircut, I didn't know who my true friends were. As I get the same haircut, I know damn well who they are.The one I can trust, the ones on my crew have proven their importance to my life time and time again this summer. From my deep dark pit of my depresion in her place to the triumphant move into my own place, they have stood by me. I can't thank them enough and sadly, none of them will probably ever read these words.When I got chopped the first time I was a journalism major, when I get chopped this time, I will be an English and Teaching major.I think I finally know where my life needs to be and I know how to get their. This isn't going to be easy, and I have seen many people fall around me, but I know I can do it.And three months later I am another step closer to graduation. My second to last summer vacation is about to draw to a close. What these next nine month will entail, nobody can say. All I can say is I am as rady as I can be.Rest In Peace Summer of 2005
posted by Dan # 7:57 AM 1 comments

Friday, July 29, 2005
Things I Have Learned This Summer
1- Just because you make six figures a year does not mean you know how to flush.2- Life's Greatest Pleasure: Looking Someone in the eye and saying fuck you.3- Life is a lot more interesting when you run your own shit.4- Omaha is fucking gay.5- "Where would I be without my crew? She's not the one comin' back for you."6- If I fall back down, there are good solid people who will help me back up again7- Being single kicks ass8- Living in your ex-girlfriend's apartment doesn't9- Smoking and Drinking on your own property is fucking sweet10- Saint Jimmy has one fantastic cornhole11- You can work full time and still have no money very easily12- My roommate is the second biggest dork I know.13- I am the first biggest dork I know14- I don't give a fuck who knows it.15- I am too on Sean Oakes' team.
posted by Dan # 11:42 PM 0 comments

Saturday, July 23, 2005
Thoughts From Omaha...
For the first time in a month and a half I have returned to Omaha. This is the first time I have come to my parent's home since I moved on my own. The rush of emotions is just so overwhelming. I never thought I could imagine a more depressing situation.I can say that I don't belong here. Everyone else's life in this residence has moved on. I came back expecting m parents and brothers to be the same. I know that is an asinine assumption, but I couldn't help myself. I hate seeing lives pass me by and still pretending that we aren't so different.Walking through my old house I see remnants of the past life I called my own. My books. My bed. My movies. All these things once meant something to me. Running my hands over these relics almost brings tears to my eyes. Everyday my past gets dimmer and dimmer and these pieces of inanimate matter just squeeze and molest my very soul.Drew is getting bigger and bigger. He's falling for girls and good at sports. I remember the day he was born. I remember wondering what he would become. I see him gsarting manhood and I can' believe I completely missed it.John has achieved a level of fame. I remember when he was a strict military man who was going to become a navy seal. Now he's able to grab a crowd by the pecker and ake it wherever he wants to. He's got friends and music skills that seem to have appeared overnight. He listens to music I've never heard of before. I remember when he listened to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and thought Flea was cool.My parents seem to be enjoying the fruits of their lifetimes of labor. I see fancy little appliances popping up around the house. They deserve it. They both work really hard and should appreciate what they have built together. I remember when John and I shared a room.Both of my grandpas have been dead before I could even remember them. Now, both of my grandma's lay dying. The clock is ticking on the generation that spawned the generation that spawned me. I'm afraid for the family reactions to the inevitable. I'm afraid for my reactions.In Lincoln I could ignore the pain. In Lincoln I don't have to be around this museum to my past. In Linoln, I can smile and laugh and play because I don't have to look at a decaying past that I'm no longer apart of.Only when I return to Omaha that I have to look at this. It surrounds me on all sides and forces itself to make me think about the pain. I could cry, I really could. It's so over whelming to watch life pass you by while you try to build your own somewhere else.There's little evidence I ever lived here outside the photographs. There's nothing of any importance to me here. Everything I own in Omaha could be burned and I wouldn't care.There are two parts to my life.The first eighteen years I wasted. I never accomplished anything that I could be proud of. I never kissed a girl. I almost failed out of high school. I neve tried anything fun. I just sat around and watched television.Then, I moved to Lincoln. I finally got to experience all those base things that make a normal person a person. I made a few really good friends that will last the rest of my life. I've had some fairly unique experiences. I fell in love with a city. I can almost consider myself two years old because my life didn't truly begin until I went down there.I know my readers wonder why I never come to town. Now they know. I don't know if they might not understand, maybe they will. It's not hate, it's necessity. My life is evolving and so is everyone else's.That's why I haven't been around recently. That's why I won't be around much more in the future. It's nothing personal. It's time for me to move on. It's time to build a new life for myself away from the pain this city causes me.Call me a coward, a failure, a psycho or whatever, I truly believe this is imporant to me as a person.
posted by Dan # 2:44 AM 1 comments

Friday, July 15, 2005
Reflextions
I havn't slept in twenty four hours, so I'm not sure if this will sound good, but I'm going to give it a try.I left my ex-girlfriend's apartment this morning. I thought it would be nice to get the campus under my feet again. This city only talks to me when I'm on her streets. This city only listens to me when I'm on her streets.I've learned a lot from this town. I've also forgotten a lot in this town.There aren't very many people who can pick up her vibrations and speak her subtle languages. So amny people come together and yet we all feel so alone. Worlds surrounding worlds and ignoring each other completely.It's a fucked up world.I can say I've never felt as connected to a place as I am to this one. I can't imagine leaving her right now but part of me wants to anyways. I know my problems in life stem from not knowing what I believe. I also know I can't find what I believe here.I can't believe it's been a year since she moved in. It didn't seem that long.I need to rest my body. Long nights of caffiene and cigarettes have torn me up inside. I need a month to rebuild my strength and regain some semblance of sanity in my consistantly more complicated life. I need a month to remember what's important. I need a month to review everything that has happened so far. I need a month of retrospect unfettered by the demands of work.Life doesn't work that way. So I shall continue on.Towards what? I wish I could say. Why? Same answer. Is there really any point to this? Is there no point and that's the point? Are we our own gods or dust in the wind? These answers come in time I'm told, but this information would be most useful now.Today I leave behind the last monument to my sophomore year of college.I wish I could count the hours I've spent at that apartment. I wish I could count how much alcohol and nicotine I forced my body to endure there. I wish I could quantify the good times I had there. I wish I could match them up against the bad times.I never thought this day would come. I thuoght I was going to live at her place forever.Now that the day is here, I'm not sure how I should be reacting. I'm overwhelmed by the desire to flea. To say good-riddance to the memories that haunt me at that place. To bid good-bye to everything that ever happened there and begin a new life as a tenant.Just the same, I can't forget that place.I can't leave behind things that reside with in me. I'll always remember the parties and lounging. The kisses and hugs. The laughter and happiness. The tears and shudders. Things that combined to make a place home, and things that leave to make a home a place.I am so sorry to all my readers.The two people that read this must hate me now. I'm so worn out and spent that I can barely form coherant sentances. Today I strat a whole new life, and I can't even form a decent narrative to explain it to people.I am the worst writer ever.
posted by Dan # 6:35 AM 2 comments

Friday, July 08, 2005
The funniest thing I have heard in a while...
Farnsworth: He'll be stronger and more flexible than Gumby and Hercules combined.Zodberg: Gumb-ercules? I love that guy.
posted by Dan # 2:41 PM 1 comments

Friday, July 01, 2005
Moon
We need to colonize the moon.I need to get off of this fucking planet.
posted by Dan # 3:41 PM 0 comments

Sunday, June 19, 2005
I Hate Homeless People
When did it become a bad thing to be a functional member of society?When did going to work and earning your way become something to be responded to with negative sanctions? Why does the money I work for have to go to people who don't deserve it while I lose rent money to these steaming piles of waste?I was sitting outside of work the other day. I was minding my own business smoking and speaking to my co-worker. We were speaking of life and the meaning of being human when a fire truck pulled up a half block away. Being human and therefore naturally curious, we went to investigate.Guess what? It was a hobo. Guess what? He was getting free medical care from the fire department. Want to know who's paying for it?If you have a job, well then insert your name right fucking here ________.Another thing that pisses me off about the fucking bums is the way they act like they don't make money when in fact they do. They st on the streets and ask for free stuff. Preying on your sense of pity they can ruin an entire evening just in the name of not getting a job. How about this for an idea: PUT DOWN THE MOUTH WASH AND PICK UP AN APPLICATION!There's no disease or disability that is so crippling that you can live on the streets but not sit behind a counter and babble "Would you like fries with that?" or even easier cleaning toilets and dusting fingerprints.If I were the president I would make vagrancy an executable offense. I am willing to send troops and police on a country wide sweep to round them all up and send them to special 'hobo fun camps' where they will be kept busy being made into candles and combs.Did you know that bums get welfare? They get tax free none fro begging and money from the government just for being a piece of shit! Again, guess who's fucking paying for it!I have to make thirty dollars worth of food last for two weeks. They get free food and free money. They get all these perks like unlimited free time and zero-cost medical care and I have to foot the bill. Well fuck the homeless.
posted by Dan # 3:17 AM 3 comments

Friday, June 10, 2005
Am I Dead Yet?
Life moves to quickly sometimes.I remember long ago, the farm life was the good life. I remember when my thoughts and dreams revolved around country living. When the prospect of going to Iowa filled me with anticipation. I cursed my bad luck for being born in the city. I placed my relatives who were fortunate enough to live in the country upon a pedestal.
This condition lasted for years. For the majority of my life, I lusted for this simple life. I envied everyone and cursed my concrete surroundings. I remember, very distinctly, when I was five I told myself I was lucky because other people had to worry about what they wanted to do for a living, I knew what I wanted. I was going to be a farmer.
I don't know when it happened. I went away one day and I still respected my relatives, and then I came back and it was all different.
They were the same. My family was exactly as it had always been. Same names, same locations, same behaviors and same beliefs. I know they were, and still are, the exact same as they had been all their lives. Their condition remained unaltered.
And it killed me...
Everything they said was wrong. Everything they did was backwards. Every belief they held was incorrect. I couldn't stand to be in any kind of contact with them. Their words were a cheese grater on my soul, their presence a plauge that only leaving could cure.
It hurt me. It hurt me more than I thought anything could hurt. To see the people you once loved become a museum to your past is a truely gut-wrenching experiance. They were nothing more than antiques to me. All the respect was gone. All the interest was evaporated. I felt nothing but contempt for their ways of living. I was always more and more eager to leave.
Just being in their presence evoked my sense of flight. I wanted to flee. I wanted to run. I wanted to abandon them and all my responsiblities as a member of that family. Misery was all that surrounded me at any gathering. Everytime I was with them was an experiance similar to a funereal. Every sentance reminded me of a dirge.
I want to be around happy things, or at least, things that aren't going to fire every negative emotion in my mind. Happiness isn't all there is to experiance in life, but such a crippeling depression is the last experiance I want to have.
"Hey _____."
"Hey Dan."
"How are you?"
"Good, and you?"
"Fine."
"..."
"..."
"Well, see you later."
THAT IS THE EXTENT TO WHICH I CAN HOLD A CONVERSATION WITH ANY GIVEN MEMBER OF MY EXTENDED FAMILY!!!"
I am disgusted with them. They represent a key element of my past. I am disgusted with my past.
Maybe that's the problem, maybe I am just so ready to cut myself of from my past that being around living breathing, talking remanants from my past is enough to evoke such passionate hatred inside of my soul.
Marde has an interestng philosophy on hatred. She says that you can't truely hate something without loving it first. That to feel a negative emotion about soemthing, you must feel a positive enotion towards it first. That feelings, much like matter, are bound by Newton's Third Law. "For every (emotional) action, there is an equal and opposite (emotional) reaction."
I believe it.
Make no mistake, I loved those people. I truely did. I looked up to them, viewed them as gods, to an extent.
Now time has changed me.
I ahte them all and wish so thoroughly to never see any of them ever again.
posted by Dan # 3:38 PM 2 comments

Monday, June 06, 2005
What's New
It has been a substantial amount of time since I've posted anything of any consequence on this thing, so I figured people would enjoy a little news on the where abouts of everyone's favorite retard-genius, Dan Fbach.Let's see hirr. Living in the old lady's place for now. Not my first choice on where to live, but it beats the fuck out of going home. No air conditioner, no cable, no internet. Sounds like it's tough, but I love it. It's nice to block out those distractions in order to concentrate on more noble pursuits. Karl Marx once said religion is the opium of the masses. I believe this statement to be false. From now on, Dan Fbach will be famous for this quote:"Cable television is the opium of the masses."Still dating Marde. Things are getting serious. I wouldn't be surprised if we ended up getting married. She's a super lady and an incredible human being. I can honestly say she brings the balance to my life I so desperately need.Dan the journalist is no more. The days of me becoming the next Wolfe Blitzer are now part of my ever-dimming past. I got sick of all the hypocrisy, phoniness and inherent liberalness of being a reporter. I have changer to an English major. I don't know what I'll do with it when/if I graduate, and I know English majors are just as liberal, but at least I can look in the mirror again.Moving into a duplex with Adam Hall in July (I hope). It's got a good price and is in a good neighborhood, AND it's porn store adjacent. Hall's room is going to be six feet wide by twenty-four feet long. It's got a porch and bushes. It's I need, and a little more then I deserve.Right now I'm living like J.D. Salanger, author of "Catcher in the Rye." I know you all remember that book from high school. I sit in my room. I read books and I write. It gives me a chance to contemplate my life. I'm working on a narrative of my experiences. It's eight-thousand words long so far, and with any luck, it'll be fifty-thousand by summer's end.I'm also gearing up for a short story about my MIP experience. It's about how I went from befriending this guy, then being bored by him, and then hating his guts and all he stood for. I hope it's good, at the very least it'll be a distraction.I'm still a janitor. I have very little dignity, but very low stress. The bosses are trying to get me to go into it as a career, but I'm not stupid. I'm going to wait until after I get the ten-thousand dollar English degree to become a janitor.My junior year is going to be the best year to date. John is moving into my old stomping grounds, Able Hall and I am going to get into my new stomping grounds. I can't believe college is half over. It went so absurdly quick.In other words, I'm just kicking it in my adopted hometown. The more time I spend in Lincoln, the more I love it here. I never thought I would say this but there is only one other place in the world I'd rather live, and that's New York City.That's all for now. I hope you guys enjoyed hearing about what my life has been like in past weeks and months. I hope everyone has a good summer, god knows I am.
posted by Dan # 3:08 PM 3 comments

Sunday, May 29, 2005
Slaughterhouse 5
I feel like being unoriginal and boring, so I have decided to post my Top 10 favorite quotes from the Kurt Vonnegut Classice Slaughterhouse 5. I know you uncultured savages don't care, but it's my blog...so there.10- "Everybody has to do exactly what he does."9- "I suppose they will all want dignity."8- "In a tiny cavity of her body she was assembeling the materials for a green beret."7- "Everything was beatiful and nothing hurt."6- "It was exciting for her, taking away his dignity in the name of love."5- "He had a tremendous wang, incidentally. You never know who will get one."4- "I knew it was going to be bad getting old."3- "The wretched Poles were the involantary clowns of the second world war."2- "She was a dull person, but a sensatinal invitation to make babies."1- "So it goes."Humor at it's finest.
posted by Dan # 8:32 PM 0 comments

Friday, May 20, 2005
Today seems like a good day to lose your faith...
posted by Dan # 8:24 PM 1 comments

Friday, May 20, 2005
Today seems like a good day to lose your faith...
posted by Dan # 8:24 PM 1 comments

Wednesday, May 18, 2005
Failure
I can honestly say that at this moment I have never felt like more of a failure than I have in my whole life.I have joked about my worthlessness, my being a 'waste-o-sperm' many times before in the past, but I honestly never believed it until now.I'm out. The lifestyle that I have been living for the past week is over. I am coming back to Omaha for the summer, to work at Bag 'N Save and be genereally depressed for the next 3 months.Have you ever held your breath for a long time? Have you ever felt that craving for oxygen, that need to breathe burn down through your lungs and into your mind, possesing every sense, idea and capability?That is what this summer is going to be like for me.The week I spent in that apartment was the happiest of my life. God never intended me to be rich. I wasn't predestined to change the world or even live comfortabily in it. The only thing I will be able to say when I die is that I was my own man. That's all I can hope for, and maybe all anyone can hope for.I had it. I had paradise. I had freedom. I lost it all.The next three months are going to be hell. I know it. No matter what face I try to put on the situation, all I will see is how I had what I wanted and lost it. All I know is I am a failure. My freedom will give way to my parents rules as I live under their roof. I won't be home, I will be occupying space between shifts.I am going to return, with my tail between my legs and my head hung low on Thursday night. This weekend will be the saddest time of my life. I'll adjust, but very gradually.To never have something is to never know it's pleasures. I had obtained my Eden, and lost it. I will soon be suffering the greatest loss of my life.
posted by Dan # 11:50 PM 0 comments

Wednesday, May 11, 2005
Goodbye
This is my real, official last post from a residence hall.My city has become a ghost town. The students have packed up,the grades have been entered, the year has ended. Everywhere I look is silence and I sort of mock death which will soon be penetrating into the part of my life that is about to end.Six hours from the time of this posting, I will be living in an apartment. I will be my own man, living my own ways in my town. The old way of living is gone. The residence halls and constant supervion of the university will soon be a memory to me. I've seen so much these past two years, and now I bid it good bye as I begin the thrid phase of my life, and possibly the last one.The first phase was up to graduation from Skutt. When I was under constant watch and rules. People told me where to go because I was just a child.The second was these past two years of college. Almost everything was on my shoulders, but not quite. I was about 80% free and I loved it. I count these days as some of the finest of my life.The third phase, which begins tomorrow, will define who I will be in five years. I'm on my own, unsupervised and free.And with the second phase ending soon, I am reminded constantly how dead that part will be by watching the streets of Lincoln.With my time growing short before I sign off from the internet and sign on to a new life, there are severalm people I must thank.Marde- My first love. The person who stood beside me for over a year. Who waited for me one summer, and unfortunatly, has to do it again. I would never have survived my 'break up' with journalism without you. You are an awesome human being and words can't describe how lucky I am to have you.Nick- A truely wise man that people could learn a lot from if they'd simply listen. I consider you the older brother I never had. Although we could be more opposite from each other, I know you will stick by me until the day I die in some kind of submarine accident.Tommy- What can I say about Tom that hasn't been said about Afghanistan. Kidding. His constant conversations about war and space have always intrigued me. I will miss watching episodes of the Simpsons over the internet with you.John/JJ/Germ- You're all awesome brothers and friends Whenever I felt shitty you would call or visit me and make me laugh with nothing more than a "hey sss" and I wish you much luck with your bands and photography..Jimmy- The only other person who really came to visit me during the loneliness of winter vacation. I hope you and Amanda make it.Brian- For showing me how not to live.These are the people who have helped me more than anyone else these past 2 years (in no particular order). All of you are great people and welcome in my apartment anytime.Now I must depart. This is Dan Fbach, signing off
posted by Dan # 2:54 AM 3 comments

Monday, May 09, 2005
70's Super Group...
In the history of this pathetic little state there have been several great events that have hed define it's place in our great nation.Founding of SAC, the homestead act, and my birth are a few examples of what this state has to be proud of. Alhough they are all great events, soon there is going to be an event that will eclipse all of these things combined (yes, even my birth).By now you're asking yourself 'what dan? what is so awesome that you would compare it to your birth?' well my answer would be:FOREINGER BITCHES!That's right, I'm totally serious and not lying at all, Foreinger, the band that gave us such classics as Cold as Ice, Jukebox Hero and Headknocker! They are going to be at the Nebraska State Fair on August 30th to rock our faces off. I am going and thats all there is to it, and I'm sure you want to be there too.And what's better than Foreigner in concert? I'll tell you, their drummer died or quit or something (I don't care) but he has been replaced by JOHN FUCKING BONHAM's son and that just makes it all the better! I am going to get an outrageuos belt buckle with a giant F on it. I'm going to get it blessed by them in the hopes that I will gain their super powers.So that's what's new in my life, if you want to come to the awesomest concert in Nebraska, drop me a line.
posted by Dan # 4:01 PM 5 comments

Wednesday, April 27, 2005
Moving On
This is going to be my very last posting from a residence hall. For the past two years I have lived on university property on my parent's money. It has been a good two years. I have learned a lot and experianced a lot in those two years. I've made good friends, I've forgotten many, I've hated a few. Through it all I have managed to maintain the Feuerbach semblence of sanity. In less then a week after this posting I will be moving out and moving on...My first apartment.This is going to be a scary but exciting time in my life. For the first time I will be on my own. I will have a car payment, gas bills and rent. I will be responsible for going to work and responsible for feeding myself. I can honestly say I've never been this vervous before in my life.On the same idea though, I am extremely excited for this. This is going to be my life how I want it, and in the way I want it done. I won't come home from work to my parent's house or even a roof they are paying for. This is going to be MY apartment.And with this winding down, I have been given a chance to refelct upon how I've grown in the past two years, especially this past year. When I came down here for my second year in college I had a dream. I was going to be he next great investigative reporter.Now, over 80 stories later I know now that this is not what I was intended to do with my life. This fantasy was completely beaten out of me by the Daily Nebaskan. When I left the DN it was like a break up. I was sad and I felt like shit constantly. And through it all, Marde stood by me and has been nothing but supportive thourgh it all and I love her for it.I have gone to the reservation and saw a world of sorrow I had no idea existed. I saw many people I was close to lose interest in everything and rot away by themselves. I made friends with somebody I didn't understand and stood silently entertaned as that was thrown away in a stupid understanding.I managed to sustain a relationship for a full year. That woman and I have been through a lot together. I can say that the three months I spent away from her, and will spend away from her, are totally worth it, because she is totally worth it. I have seen every aspect of Marde and I haven't seen anything I didn't like.And with the semester winding down and a whole new life for me on the horizon, I must prepare myself, because as much as I've changed during my second year of school, I have a feeling this summer is going to shrink he accomplishments of my sophomore year to an absurd degree.
posted by Dan # 3:31 PM 4 comments

Thursday, April 21, 2005
Options
Well, here I go again. Another school year is about to end and I'm stuck.I want to do what I want, but I don't know what I want. I have so many things I want to do and so many good reasons to do them and they're all conflicting in my mind.Omaha or Lincoln?Thats what it all comes down to here. Both have pros and both have cons, so here they are:Omaha:Pro:I have lots of good friends there and a good job at Bag 'n Save that I've been doing for while with lots of cool people. I could spend one last summer with my brothers before Drew becomes an only child.Con:I have to live under my parents roof and be subject to their rules and spend summer in a state of exhile.Lincoln:Pro:This is my home where I am free to be me. I like my janitor job a lot. The people are cool and the shifts go way faster than Bag n Save's and get Friday and Saturday off.Con:No matter where I stay I will pay half if not all the rent. I will only know three people down here well enough that I could hang out with them and I wouldn't be able to visit my grandma in her final years.yeah, so thats whats going on in my life. I'm interested to see what the two or three people who read this thing have to say; comments are appreciated.
posted by Dan # 10:51 PM 3 comments

Sunday, April 17, 2005
Hope Dashed
About a week ago I recieved the best news I had gotten in a while. When a woken from a slumber my dad confessed to a rather groggy me that he had arranged a vehicle in my price range for me to buy.I screamed.I was filled with joy; finally after 2 years of relying on other people for rides I could be free. I could go where I wished, see who I wished and generlly consider myself m own man.I told everyone I could, Dan was going to be free. I congratulated and hailed as a new brother to a club- the club of those who own vehicles.Work seemed sweeter, life more interesting and my days brighter.Then, about twenty minutes ago I got the news.Odds are there would be no vehicle. The truck I wanted was rusted to hell and not worth my $400.I know my parents are looking out for me, I know their intentions are pure, but that doesn't make it sting less. I feel like I've been betrayed.It just makes me so damn mad, everywhere I see people wih vehicles. Some of them don't even deserve them. They drive like idiots, or drunk or both and all I want it to be able to say "hey you wanna go to X?" and me and who ever could go.All the fantasies I had of being free have been dashed. Why can't I live like I want? I hate only being able to go home when John is avalable. I hate having to have my girlfriend drive me places and I hate waiting for buses all the time.
posted by Dan # 10:42 PM 2 comments

Tuesday, April 12, 2005
FREE AT LAST!
After over a year of my only transportation being my own to feet, I have finally made a break though that will change my life.I Dan Feuerbach am the proud owner of a vehicle!Its a 1985 Toyota (Tacoma I think) and will only cost me $400 but is in very good condition because the lady who owned the thing before wants it out. Insurance will only cost me $25 a month, which I can easily handle.Thats right I can get home if I want to go and return to Lincoln when I want to!FREE AT LAST FREE AT LAST!
posted by Dan # 4:42 PM 3 comments

The Union
There are over 50 buildings at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln.Each one has a function and a form, many are distinct, some are almost toally hidden. Each one staffed by people and infested with students but of all the buildings on campus I've ever been to, my favorite by far is the City Union.It's an absolutly fascinating place where a person could wile away hours of his life just watching people and hanging out. Thanks to the miracle of wireless internet I can observe this phenomenon first hand and report to my faithful readers the many side of the union.The whir of the coffee machine can be heard everywhere in the square, it's almost like a caffinated soundtrack to a day of hustle, bustle and constant motion.Everywhere I look are people with a purpose, even if that purpose is to have no purpose.There's a group of about six black people to my left. I wish I could type up their conversation, but I can barely understand their ebonics so I'll describe them to you.Its like a tribe, a small pocket of dark in a sea of white. Crowded around a table, several with expensive laptops and clothes, apparently it costs a lot of money to look poor and oppressed.A girl sat down right across from me. She's okay looking, nothing great, but not ugly. I feel bad for her because I am observing her and she will never know and I wonder, how many people have observed me without my knowing.She looks sad and focused. Perhaps stressed is a better word for it. She's reading a book and judging by the university book store bag to her left, it was not a cheap one. She's wearing a green sweater and blue jeans with red Chuck Taylors. She has a broach on that looks like a bronze starfish in a circle."I just picked up my cap and gown."She met somebody she knew, apparently she is about to graduate. She wants to get out of here, are her words, I want to stay is her inflection. HEr friend won't shut up about herself and she tries to be nice.I am growing impatient about the lack of knowledge on my subject.
A patronizing smile creeps over her facs her friend drowns on and on about her boyfriend and her love of money.
Shes a journalism major who will try to work at a newspaper but shes in so much debt she needs to work. CRedit cards, the curse of our generation.
Back to her friend.
Yeah, uh huh, okay focus on me.
Her first car died a few month ago and at this point she should be buying a nice car, but instead is carless.
She's worked in Chicago at a newspaper and she hates working retail/selling things. When she was in Girl Scouts she was afraid to force people to buy cookies and gets to go to Mass. this summer for an internship? I thought she was graduating anyways...
"You can find jobs but will they pay the cost of living?" her friend asks.
I wonder if she suspects me. I wonder if she knows I'm here. Shes carrying on and has no idea shes being observed with quiet curiosity. She reveals the clues and I write them don for random people to read, the internet is scary
posted by Dan # 10:50 AM 3 comments

Monday, April 11, 2005
Dorking it up HARDCORE!!!
I'm sure that both of my faithful readers would like to know that the words they are reading right now were written on laptop! Thats right Tom and Nick, I am sitting not three feet from the fountain at the union writting this!!!Now for what I truely came to say:I always thought that having no place to sleeording to our guide into p would conote misey and pain but it doesn't. In fact accI kow many people are aware of my recent trip into the land of the homeless and I'm sure Nick (with his now infamous hobo fetish) would like to hear about it.What can I say about the homeless inOmaha, they have it pretty fucking sweet..Accoding to our guide to the 'people who walk the night' a man named chris williams, "Life on the streets is a fucking party." This cat had been on the streets for a week and he made more money than I did working as a janitor. Apparently the name of the gaame is husteling.This guy made $100 in a night!!!Panhandeling isn' where it's at, what you go to do is sell something, but look really pathetic while you do it. He had this clock with him, it cost $13 and he would wait until old people walked buy then he'd offer the clock for five or six bucks. People would give him a twenty then tell him to keep the clock!It was unuversal like clockwork (excuse the pun) Over and over and over he'd offer this clock, recieve a sum of money then keep the clock.On the night we were with him he got a free pizza, a free pack of cugerettes, $30 and a free beer.I think most people bought him stuff out of pity, and I'm sure he didn't give a fuck. Whatever got him his fix was all that mattered.He told us his tale, a tragic tale, but I'm sure there were a few lies thrown in, for the sake of garnishing more pity. He used to own his own company, 'Williams Roofing', then one day he was in a caar wreck. He said it wasn't his fault, and that the police lied on the accident report. He hurt his shoulders, neck, and back. His family got sick of his laziness, he got sick of phone calls from debters, so he just 'got the fuck out' and began his life on the streets.Our trip wasn't as lucarative as his. We posed as three kids who ran away from our foster home in Lincoln and were not sure where to go next. We tried Chris's suggestions but we were ignored, rejected and yes threatened.I had never been more impressed with Mark Ferg as I was that cold April night. The wind was at our backs and a group of wiggers, black guys and hot girls were walking our way."Does anybody wanna buy a watch?" he inquired."Man, they ain't homeless," the leader said "they just want the easy money."They surrounded us. Cut off every avenue of escape. My heart was pounding so hard my ribs hurt the next day. I thought it was over. I thought we would have to fight."I'll give you ten dollars a day to rake my lawn."Mark kept them at day, not showing fear he acted passive and uninterested in their opinions. This drove the leader crazy. He wanted to show off in front of his woman. He wantesd to be the big man. After ten minutes of harrassing us, he walked away.I was dumbfounded. We were still alive.
posted by Dan # 8:33 AM 2 comments

Stealing Thunder:
So nick wouldn't post this on his blog, so i had to steal it so the masses could know:Hello Longhorn41,We have received a complaint regarding some things you said in chat at our tables.I have reviewed the chat log and did find some of your comments to be inappropriateOur goal at PokerStars is to be a fun place to play, where everyone can feel comfortable.Foul language and abuse of other players takes away from everyone's enjoyment, and therefore cannot be permitted.We must ask you to refrain from using this type of language in the future, or we will be forced to remove your chat privileges.Please note that you may not be the only one receiving a message such as this.When we receive a chat complaint, we review the entire chat of all players at the table.Any other offenders at the table were also warned or revoked as appropriate to our policies.Regards,Jose PokerStars Support Team14105735 Longhorn41 so shut the fuck up and get bent 7 3/29/2005 3:27:11 PM14105735 Longhorn41 you mother fucking faggot ass dicks 7 3/29/2005 3:27:53 PM14105735 Longhorn41 fuckin elvis 7 3/29/2005 3:34:05 PM14105735 Longhorn41 i'll kill everyone in this fucking room 7 3/29/2005 3:40:16PM>
posted by Dan # 4:55 PM 9 comments

Tuesday, March 29, 2005
That Day
I'll never forget the day when we walked into that building, hand in hand, looking for something we thought we'd never find. On that day I saw your soul, I saw a side of you I hadn't seen before, and I am eternally grateful that I was privileged to observe that moment.I opened the door for you, as a gentleman is supposed (I know I'm not one, but I can pretend) and you passed by me with all the grace and elagence of a woman of your stature. Your dark blue eyes glowed with the memories of the time you had spent in that building, and you told me the tales of your adventures there in FFA. When you learned the ins and outs, whose and what's, whys and hows of ranching. You had done well, after all, you came from a long line of people in that trade.Now the building was silent. You could never go there as you once had, but you knew, somewhere, maybe in a box, was a picture of the man responsible for your greatest passion.Strolling through dimly lit hallways and empty stair wells, your eyes nearly burst from your head as you looked for the photograph of your great-grandad, Earl. The man who was forever a myth to you, easily the rival of Hercules or Apollo, and in my time with you I have begun to feel the same...After what seemed like a long time, you felt as if I were bored and for my sake, you wished to leave. As we were just about to depart, I heard the distinct sound of a fellow human being in that derelict building and I went to investigate, which was by far the smartest thing I had done that day.I asked the secretary where his picture was, I explained to her who you were and what it meant to you. I got the information we sought and you gave me a look of gratitude and admiration as my reward...We went to the wall of honored cattlemen. I went right and you went left, I looked but did not find, I think he was guiding you to his picture, because you found him almost instantly.The photo was taken in 1964, and it meant more to you today than it had to anybody else in its 41 years on the wall. Through all my well intentioned bumbling on your behalf, I was given a glimpse into your soul that I was enraptured to experience.Your eyes lit up with a furious intensity as you gazed, awe-struck, at his photo, soaking up every detail, reading every letter and scanning the surface's every inch, soaking in the beauty of your lineage.Your mouth gaped open at this man, he meant so much to you. Without him you wouldn't be who you were. Without him there would be no Monahan Cattle Co. And without him and his ilk there would be no western Nebraska. All these things meant more to you than I could ever comprehend, and nothing showed that better than your face.I wish I had a camera with me or could draw, sculpt or paint. If I could I would have immortalized that moment, as you looked at your hero. I wish I could show everyone what your soul looked like, your true inner beauty.Alas I am no artist and that moment will live on only in my memory.It is a memory I shall cherish forever though, it was a family reunion from beyond the grave and the day I realized day Earl Monahan wasn't dead, he was alive in you and would exist as long as you did...
posted by Dan # 12:06 AM 8 comments

Tuesday, March 22, 2005
My Trip to the Reservation
*I know many of you have been curious, so hirr it is*Wow. I can’t think of a better word than that. It’s hard to describe this place when once you get over the initial shock of it. It’s not quite what I expected, but definitely more than I deserved and infinitely more than I could have wanted to get out of my spring break.At first glance, the Pine Ridge elementary school and dormitory, which is home to many of the young girls and boys, is a strange place. It’s not bad. I thought the campus would consist of dilapidated schools and rusted playground equipment.In all honesty, the buildings aren’t in terrible shape. The quality of the school building is comparable to the older parts of Love Library or L.W. Chase Hall.Closer inspection of the students of the high school and (to a lesser extent) grade school it appears as though the Native American students of the Pine Ridge are losing or about to lose their proud heritage.The names of Sitting Bull and Red Cloud seem to have disappeared and have been replaced by Usher and Snoop Dog.I asked a little girl named Ida if she could tell me who Crazy Horse was and she only knew him as “a mountain somewhere.”The natives themselves are a strange group of people. There seems to be no single mark or characteristic of the entire populace. Some of the students look black; others look Asian or Latino and a few others appear to be white.The culture here isn’t what I expected. Since the school is basically a small town of teenagers with little adult supervision, the typical years of teenage rebellion are nearly unchecked, and the students become bitter at their lot in life, and it seems inevitable that many will go down the same road as their parents.Class attendance is a problem, keeping kids in school all four years is another, and yet another problem is teen pregnancy. According to several of the administrators and teachers at the school said 80 percent of the girls on the reservation have or will have a child before graduation.The students have taken the ‘gangsta’ culture of the blacks and made it their own and come to identify with it. Across the campus there is graffiti which screams the black influence.Some of the graffiti is symbols or designs, others are direct attacks on the faculty, and still others proclaim greatness or elitism. Two examples are the building which had “SK8-TR 4 LIFE BI-ATCH” and the dormitory, which had “NATIVE’S ONLY” poorly scribbled on it.I can’t say I blame them for being angry. There can’t be much hope around here. One of the students on the trip with me said she found the place where they party at. Beer cans, condoms, cigarette butts and drug residue there and everyday there is new paraphernalia.Around the school there are home made signs proclaiming the importance of being drug free and the dangers of alcohol, but from the look of the students smoking cigarettes in between classes, it isn’t working.As sad as my second thoughts about the school were, upon even closer inspection, the true sorrow of the school crept out of the wood work.One day we played with six, seven and eight-year-olds I didn’t do anything special. Just gave them shoulder rides and piggy-back rides and I realized how bad they had it.These children are completely on there own. They may have families out there somewhere, but they see them at most twice a week. This means children a third of my age have all the responsibilities I do. They have to clean up after themselves, bathe and relate to others and make friends alone.Fortunately for them, there is one native custom that is still very strong, the value of family. These children become sisters to each other, the elders or matrons become mass mothers to all the little girls. As they get older and progress through the system, the older kids still keep an eye out for the younger. As far as I can tell, this is the only support system at the school.The matron can’t really afford to give out individualized attention to the girls, so they tend to cling to anybody who shows them any kind of attention. As I played with the young ladies, they fell in love with me.Many referred to me as “dad” and others were constantly shouting for my attention shouting for my attention. One little girl even gave me a note saying “I Love you.”Did I change any of there lives? I doubt it. By this point I’m sure I’m nothing more than a faded memory to most of them. I can take some consolation in knowing that at least for two days they smiled more than they probably would all year.However, those two days on the reservation changed me. I saw a side of humanity usually obscured at the university. Was it heartbreaking? Goddamn right it was. Would I do it all again? A quote form a little girl named Tore (pronounced Tory) said it best:“Dan, please come back again.”How could I disappoint that?
posted by Dan # 9:01 AM 8 comments

Tuesday, March 22, 2005
My Trip to the Reservation
*I know many of you have been curious, so hirr it is*Wow. I can’t think of a better word than that. It’s hard to describe this place when once you get over the initial shock of it. It’s not quite what I expected, but definitely more than I deserved and infinitely more than I could have wanted to get out of my spring break.At first glance, the Pine Ridge elementary school and dormitory, which is home to many of the young girls and boys, is a strange place. It’s not bad. I thought the campus would consist of dilapidated schools and rusted playground equipment.In all honesty, the buildings aren’t in terrible shape. The quality of the school building is comparable to the older parts of Love Library or L.W. Chase Hall.Closer inspection of the students of the high school and (to a lesser extent) grade school it appears as though the Native American students of the Pine Ridge are losing or about to lose their proud heritage.The names of Sitting Bull and Red Cloud seem to have disappeared and have been replaced by Usher and Snoop Dog.I asked a little girl named Ida if she could tell me who Crazy Horse was and she only knew him as “a mountain somewhere.”The natives themselves are a strange group of people. There seems to be no single mark or characteristic of the entire populace. Some of the students look black; others look Asian or Latino and a few others appear to be white.The culture here isn’t what I expected. Since the school is basically a small town of teenagers with little adult supervision, the typical years of teenage rebellion are nearly unchecked, and the students become bitter at their lot in life, and it seems inevitable that many will go down the same road as their parents.Class attendance is a problem, keeping kids in school all four years is another, and yet another problem is teen pregnancy. According to several of the administrators and teachers at the school said 80 percent of the girls on the reservation have or will have a child before graduation.The students have taken the ‘gangsta’ culture of the blacks and made it their own and come to identify with it. Across the campus there is graffiti which screams the black influence.Some of the graffiti is symbols or designs, others are direct attacks on the faculty, and still others proclaim greatness or elitism. Two examples are the building which had “SK8-TR 4 LIFE BI-ATCH” and the dormitory, which had “NATIVE’S ONLY” poorly scribbled on it.I can’t say I blame them for being angry. There can’t be much hope around here. One of the students on the trip with me said she found the place where they party at. Beer cans, condoms, cigarette butts and drug residue there and everyday there is new paraphernalia.Around the school there are home made signs proclaiming the importance of being drug free and the dangers of alcohol, but from the look of the students smoking cigarettes in between classes, it isn’t working.As sad as my second thoughts about the school were, upon even closer inspection, the true sorrow of the school crept out of the wood work.One day we played with six, seven and eight-year-olds I didn’t do anything special. Just gave them shoulder rides and piggy-back rides and I realized how bad they had it.These children are completely on there own. They may have families out there somewhere, but they see them at most twice a week. This means children a third of my age have all the responsibilities I do. They have to clean up after themselves, bathe and relate to others and make friends alone.Fortunately for them, there is one native custom that is still very strong, the value of family. These children become sisters to each other, the elders or matrons become mass mothers to all the little girls. As they get older and progress through the system, the older kids still keep an eye out for the younger. As far as I can tell, this is the only support system at the school.The matron can’t really afford to give out individualized attention to the girls, so they tend to cling to anybody who shows them any kind of attention. As I played with the young ladies, they fell in love with me.Many referred to me as “dad” and others were constantly shouting for my attention shouting for my attention. One little girl even gave me a note saying “I Love you.”Did I change any of there lives? I doubt it. By this point I’m sure I’m nothing more than a faded memory to most of them. I can take some consolation in knowing that at least for two days they smiled more than they probably would all year.However, those two days on the reservation changed me. I saw a side of humanity usually obscured at the university. Was it heartbreaking? Goddamn right it was. Would I do it all again? A quote form a little girl named Tore (pronounced Tory) said it best:“Dan, please come back again.”How could I disappoint that?
posted by Dan # 9:01 AM 8 comments

Friday, March 18, 2005
Evolution: "How It Could Have Been" tightened and expanded version
I know it’s my fault. I was free to say no. At anytime the words “I’d rather not” could have escaped my lips.My gut told me no. It screamed it loudly. I don't know why I didn't listen to my instincts but I did and now I’m paying the price.It’s amazing how the course of time can be influenced by a single moment. Had I said no I’d have two hundred and fifty more dollars to my name. I wouldn’t be hungry, I could have bought batteries for my camera, I wouldn’t be as bitter.I don't know why I did it. I don't know why I caved in. Maybe it was pity for that fat pile, maybe it was boredom, maybe I just wanted to relive old times.My path had been configured; turn off my phone claim ignorance later...Unfortunately, fate had a plan of her own, a much more intricate plan that I couldn't even hope to compete with.I was walking towards my room, satisfied that I wouldn't speak to him. I was over confident and self-loathing at the same time and now I’m dealing with the repercussions.The timing couldn't have been better or the circumstances more coincidental. We met casually on a corner. We were walking the perfect route for an intersection of our lives that would result in a stain I can't remove...Had I left 5 minutes earlier or five minutes later, had been in my room or getting a meal this whole mess could have been avoided, but I was exactly where I needed to be to piss away two hundred and fifty dollars.The second I was within I earshot, I leapt into action. Falling back on the patronizing attitude typical of the time we spent together. I acted as if we had been friends for years, then the moment of truth arose."Wanna go drink?"The words will echo in my mind forever.You all know how this ends. I owe $250 to the government and lost all respect for him that day. I tried to hang with him since that day in December, but it isn’t the same. The relationship has died. Replaced with a memory of a mediocre relationship mixed with hatred is all that remains between us.Now when I hear his voice I want to stab him. I want him to leave me alone. He calls me and I refuse to answer. He is dead to me.I shouldn’t blame him, it’s 100% my fault, but all I can see when I look at him now is a winy imbecile who took me down a bad road.
posted by Dan # 1:06 AM 1 comments

Wednesday, March 16, 2005
How It Could Have Been
Amazing how the course of time can be influenced by a single moment.I don't know why I did it. I don't know why I caved in. Maybe it was my pity for that fat pile, maybe it was boredom and maybe I just wanted to relive old times.My gut told me no. My plans had been configured. My cell phone was off and my course of action was clear.Ignore all his calls and claim ignorance later...He's not a bad guy by any means, just...boring. No exciting life stories or interesting personalioty quirks. No brilliant insights or even curiosity about life. He is content to live in his own little world.Fate had a plan of her own. A much more intriquite plan that I couldn't compete with.I was walking towards my home, satisfied that I wouldn't speak to him. I was smug and self satisfied.Then it happened. The timing couldn't have been better. We met casually on the corner. He was walking a perfect route for an intersection of our lives that would result in a stain I can't remove...Had I left 5 minutes earlier or five minutes later, had been in my room or getting a meal the whole mess could have been avoided.I lept into action, I fell back to the patronizing attitude I use on him. I acted nice, until the moment of truth arose."Wanna go drink?"My gut said no. It screamed it. I don't know why I didn't listen to my instincts but I did.You all know how this ends. I owe $250 to the government. I lost all respect for that man that day. I tryed to hang with him, but its not the same. The relationship has decayed. Now when I hear his voice I want to stab him.I know its my fault. I was free to say no. However, had
posted by Dan # 11:13 PM 0 comments

Friday, March 11, 2005
The Time Has Come to be Gone
Here I go.Whether I'm off to an adventure or a heartache, only time will tell. For the nexy 5 days I'm goingt to be surrounded by severe poverty and immeresed in a culture I have only a passing acquaitance with. We've all read the blogs and heard the arguements against the indians and the poor, but maybe in every life there comes a point where a person leaps out of his comfort zone and takes a look around.In my mind is a whirlwind of ideas and emotions that converge in my gut and it hurts.On one hand, I have no classes for the next week and I will be surrounded by new people and doing something I feel I have to do.On the other, I've rarely been in the poverty I'm about to be in, and never for the duration I'm about to be in it. I wonder how the indians will respond to my efforts. Will they respect me? Will they hate me? Will I help anyone? Will I make it worse? Only time will tell.I also miss my girlfriend. She's good to me and I won't even be able to speak to her until Wednesday, if at all over break.Another possibility on my mind is what will happen to my sanity. Will I want to be arouund people anymore? Will I be more balanced? Will I become depressed?Well, whatever happens, here I go.
posted by Dan # 5:03 PM 7 comments

Saturday, March 05, 2005
Life is Beautiful (Sometimes)
It's days like to day that make life worth living.Days like today when all the pieces of life snap into place and everything is special. Life tastes better, the earth seems brighter, and no matter what happens, it's going to be okay.Life is so strange sometimes. It can be hell, if it wants to be. It can twist your emotions and cloud your mind. Depression can eat away your soul, and bitterness can posses your mind.Then something happens, something simple, inconsequential or asanine that can make heaven come to earth, and make God more visible than ever before.Today was my day. God smiled on me today whatever his plan, today I saw a tiny piece of it.I spent the first two-thirds of this week studying my ass off. I spent 15 hours in 2 days looking over material for classes that bore, irritate and anger me. I pissed away a chunk of my youth towards a degree that doesn't mean a damn thing.I got the first return today, a 94 percent on a Spanish test. Eliciting emotions in my soul I thought were dead. I looked at my girlfriend and saw the concern and appreciation more apparent than ever before, I saw friends I thought were long gone, and I had the best conversation I've had in a long time.The conversation is what will make today stick out in my mind for the rest of my life. When I think of this time in my life a decade from now, I will remember today.Sometimes a man cane sieze a moment, and expands it to severeal hours that you hope will never end, and leave you feeling drained and disappointed when they do."Ricky Martin has an island.""We should take over his island."Two sentances uttered that began a revalution of comedy. Four men from four different walks of life; a frat boy, a lawyer, a teacher and a burn out met at a gas station at 11:00 and spoke of torturing hobbits on an island stole from a long-forgotten pop star.All three of them clicked; nobody cloaked themselves in silence, everybody took their share of the laughs and nobody wanted to go.The comedy flowed from their mouths as they spoke of mushroom stamping hobbits and living in a swap castle. As the hours flew by, life was enjoyed and appreciated to a degree normally not seen.Why is life this way? Why must the good moments be so few and far between? Why must heaven be visible in small segments, and God seen in rapid bursts?Perhaps heaven is an unending conversation as the one mentioned above...When reality returned and they all went their seperate ways, a feeling crept over all of them, a feeling of dread. When will this happen again? Will it ever again? Will life ever be like this again? Will they ever get along this good again?Depleted and drained, they went about their business, the conversation was put to rest.The time had come to be gone. To press forward with their lives with only the hope in their lives that they could reach a moment like this again someday...
posted by Dan # 1:01 AM 2 comments

Monday, February 28, 2005
Fucking Idiots!
So I was sitting down the other day with no particular objective other than to kill a few hours of my life. I decided to sit down and check out what random crap was spewing from the television. I went to the TV guide channel to see if there was anything worthy for me to waste my youth on and than it hit me...The preview channel wasn't running previews!What the fuck people. The TV guide channel is not an actual channel, it’s a place for me to go and see what’s going on in the world, not watch third rate coverage of the Oscars!First of all, the Oscars don't mean a goddamn thing, who the hell do they think cares about this shit.Second, Joan and Melissa Rivers are not cool, and they never have been cool...EVER! If I had to chose between listening to a Simple Plan song or a 2 minutes of Joan and Melissa's mindless rambling, I would actually chose the Simple Plan song...and they suck A LOT of ass.Here is an email I have sent to the TV guide channel to make my feelings clear:Dear TV Guide Channel,Give it up you dumb asses! There's nothing so interesting on TV that you should take away from your main purpose (previews) in order to inconvenience, confuse, annoy and irritate people who just want to know what’s on TV!I hope you all fail, and somebody who isn't retarded takes over your station!-All the best, Cornrollaps: fuck you guys!I remember, long ago, when all the preview channel did was previews. They played commercials at the top (which I can forgive) and what’s on TV at the bottom. It was simple, easy, and helpful to everyone.Then TV Guide took over. It wasn't too bad. They played what I needed, and just ran dumb ass features in between commercials, which I could tune out.Then saggy-titted Joan and talentless coat-rider Melissa showed up and that’s when shit went crazy!They sucked the life out of the channel like two ugly vampires and replaced the time honored tradition of telling me what the fuck is on TV with random, unfunny, and boring crap. It's like Brian took over the damn channel.In conclusion, if I ever get any money, the first thing I'm going to do is make a competing TV preview channel, and just PLAY FUCKING PREVIEWS! When the owners of the TV guide channel go out of business and become homeless, I'm going to invite them to my mansion for dinner, then tie them up and beat them with shovels, and just before their bloodied and twisted bodies shove off this mortal coil, I'm going to whip it out and piss all over them for their stupid-ass mutation upon the excellent idea of a preview channel!!!I'm so angry right now I could kill a man ... or study.~peace out~
posted by Dan # 7:46 PM 2 comments

Out
I think I'm going to end my blog for a while.I have run out of inspiration, and need some time to bring it back to speed.
posted by Dan # 10:28 PM 2 comments

Friday, February 18, 2005
http://www.1jesusfish1.blogspot.com/they left me out, what a bunch of rat fucking bastards
posted by Dan # 12:56 PM 3 comments

Wednesday, February 16, 2005
We All Hate Nick
There are many people in this world who suck.Saddam, Hitler, John Kerry, that girl in that porno I saw, and Michelle Rodrigez.Yet the combined shittiness of these 5 people cannopt compare to the unbridled bitchiness that is NICK WINEY!We've all had enough of his shit. He has a small penis and likes to fuck goats. I once had the extreme misfortune of speaking to him in public, and damnit if he didn't emabress me with his constant quoting of Dave Chappelle.Once he showed me a video tape of him fucking a goat. Now, Dan is all about diversity, but this even freaked me out, which is nearly impossible to do. First of all, he was fucking a male goat. Then jerking it off and rubbing the shit all over his body. thats just nasty...Also, he likes to touch little boys to an absurd degree. His love for young boys would make Micheal Jackson himself throw up in disgust.It's crazy. He will fuck anything that moves, or has just finished moving, or simply found on the grouund. If I've said it once I've said it a hundred times, Nick would stick his dick and mud if he thought it'd wriggle.And whats with the shorts and sweatshirts?Its all the time. Everytime I see this bunk bitch he's wearing workout shorts and a sweatshirt. It doesn't matter what time of year, be it June or December. Its boggeling to the mind.Also, I believe Nick has made a pact with the devil. He gets all those bitches and yet he's ugly as sin. I'm sure that his tiny penis is slowly morphing into a cess pool between his legs. Maybe that is the odd smell coming from his direction everytime I'm near him.He also makes the chalice look bad. When anyone else besides him uses the chalice, it looks cool. YEt when this breathing pile of shit holds the blessed and sacred chalice, he looks like a dumbass.This is why I propose all members of the group begin an assault upon this trick of tricks. However, instead of not talking to him or whatever, we should throw shit at him and kick him.DEATH TO THE WINEBAG!~peace out~
posted by Dan # 3:51 PM 10 comments

1. Tom Hanam is not gay and does not use any extra hair "products" besides the regular shampoo and simple conditioner.2. Tom Hannam does NOT have a "nice ass" but instead has Sparticus3. Tom Hannam is not a comrade but simply a NEO-CON (or neo-conservatist)4. I am making a plaque, bejeweled in Tom Hannam's Honor.5. Upon the next meeting with Tom I will say "I'm Sorry"6. The Boycott on Tom is overN. Winey is still gay
posted by Dan # 3:30 PM 1 comments

Monday, February 14, 2005
Let's face the facts here
I think we can all agree that Tom sucks.How can you argue this fact, I mean look at him, his haior is so soft, only a gay person would use the products necessary to get his hair like that.And he's short...hes the perfect height to get you in the balls while you arent even looking!And he's really patriotic...a little TOO patricotic. Whjat are you hiding Tom? or should i say COMMRADE!The only reason we keep him around is his ass. Take that away and the little bastard aint got shit!I'm starting an offcial boycott on Tom!
posted by Dan # 1:03 PM 4 comments

Thursday, February 03, 2005
Waste
For a few weeks out of the year, it's noisy. It's filled with chatting families and polished animals. A swirling, chaotic vortex of farm oriented "fun", political activism and the screams of citizens on the assorted rides.It's the Nebraska State Fair grounds and for a fraction of the year, it's actually used.But what happens when its over? What happens when the 4-H kids back up and the animals are sent to slaughter? What happens to the fair grounnds?It's hard to explain or sum up this track of land just outside of campus. It's shattered and empty, a ghost town setteled bitterly in the north of the capital of the state.On the surface it seems dead. All the buildings sit quiet and posters for ammendments that didn't pass cling to moistening tape, about to fall and be forgotten. Lights shine down upon a grouund that nobody walks, and the wind sweeps across large, empty parking lots that seem to cry out for the feel of spinning rubber across it's frozen face.Everywhere you look, there's a USA Today and an Omaha World Herald paper stand, containing current headlines, which nobody will read. Every machine remains fully stocked, everyday, but they won't be emptied until the next day's edition arrives, to follow the exact same path.The race track remains void of cars, horses, competition, and attention. Horse stalls fill with leaves, and lights blink on and off, in bad need of maintanence, but left behind until the fair rolls around again.Electricity and water flow freely to nowhere.It's not completely dead out there. It has the occasion train show or hockey games, but those are under the radar. Only when the fair is in town is it used to it's full capacity, and the rest of the time, it's dead.
posted by Dan # 9:10 PM 0 comments